Sound of Madness
by BonesBoy15
Summary: There are some demigods who go rogue, even before the Second Titan War. Some demigods who are seen as potential threats are quickly chosen to be trained to deal with other rogues that never make it to camp. This is one such demigod, the son of Dionysus. This is Naruto Uzumaki, and he's crazy for carnage. Rated M for language and imagery. Alternate Universe. Possibly One-Shot.
1. Sound of Madness

**AN: This is a one-shot unless reviews request otherwise. It won't become a high priority until after a few of my other stories are finished. Thanks for understanding and reading!**

**Disclaimer: Been saying it for two years now, **_**Percy Jackson**_** and **_**Naruto**_** aren't mine. All rights belong to current right holders and creators. Not changing anytime soon.**

**Sound of Madness**

* * *

The brown liquid set in his dull white mug shook lightly from the vibration his leg caused as his ADHD acted up. To settle it, he picked the mug up and took a sip. It was warm, very warm. Not too hot, nor too cold. In Goldilocks' terms, it was "just right."

"Mr. Uzumaki?"

Eyes that were a dark blue, almost purple, looked back at the boy seated across from him. Muscled and lean, mildly attractive from a girl's point of view, and with a facial structure graced by the gods themselves looked back at him nervously. Sunny blond hair that rivaled his own golden locks was cut short and pulled back with gel. He was sure if he could figure out the right joke, the boy seated across from him would give a smile as radiant as the sun.

A finger idly tapped the mug as he hummed. "Yes, Chester?"

"Charlie, sir."

"Whatever," blue eyes rolled and he sipped on his coffee. "You said the sickle-bearer would pay me for my help?"

"A hefty sum. And give you the place of your father after his...demise." Charles swallowed as his eyes narrowed. The untouched latte made him purse his lips.

"Is there anything wrong with your drink?" He asked. Charles shook his head.

"N-No, sir, I'm just not that thirsty."

"Stop calling me _sir_. I'm only seven," he said with a roll of his eyes. He sipped his coffee again and frowned when he ran out of the brilliant caffeinated drink. A waitress walked past. "Excuse me, may I get an espresso? Put it on the bill for Charles Brady."

"Sure thing, hun," the girl said with a smile.

She walked off and he shamelessly stared at her posterior. Nicely firm and small, like a peach. Mm...Peaches... Mental note, stop by the store and buy some fruit.

"Mr. Uzumaki, please, we need an answer otherwise he's going to assume you're siding with the Ol-the ones in the Empire State Building's top floor," Charles said with a nervous glance out the window.

"Hm? Oh, right. Well, a hefty sum _is_ a hefty sum..." He looked at his mug curiously. "Do you think they'll let me keep this?"

Charles blinked, baffled by the question. "I-I don't know-"

"Excuse me!" He called another waitress' attention. She came over and he pointed at his mug. "Is it all right if I keep this?"

"We can add it to your bill, and it's all yours," The waitress said.

He smiled widely. "Thank you."

Suddenly, the mug was smashed against the table and his free hand wrapped around the back of Charles' head. The broken mug was then jammed into Charles' exposed throat and pulled out. Charles reached for his torn throat with strangled gasps as he fell to the ground while the woman screamed in horror. He looked at her and his eyes flashed purple. In the split second he did, he slipped the mug into her hand and calmly stepped up and out of the booth.

He put a hand on the woman's shoulder and smiled at her. "Good, because I'd feel bad if you'd miss it."

The woman turned to him robotically and stared into his undoubtedly purple eyes. She and the rest of the people in the store went blank faced while Charles bled out on the table. His frantic attempts to stop the blood were ceased when a knife was suddenly shoved through one hand.

"Consider this a 'no'," Naruto Uzumaki said to the boy. He then pulled the other hand away from the wound and pinned it with another knife. Naruto stepped back and cracked his neck. "You know, I'd feel bad for doing this to one of Apollo's kids...but then I remember that you and your _company_ murdered my little brother and my shits just run the fuck out. Have a nice day, Christopher."

Naruto fixed his brown trench coat and walked out into the sidewalk of New York. Another scream came from the diner and was quickly followed by others. Naruto let a smirk cross his face as he slipped his hands into his pockets.

"So...it's begun..." Naruto's smirk grew into a crazed wide grin and his eyes flashed purple. "I think it's time to go back to camp." With that, he raised a hand with a drachma in his grasp. "Ladies! I need a ride!"

* * *

The ride was like a roller coaster, as was the norm, and the conversation was baffling – just how Naruto liked it. The Grey Sisters were riots, in his own opinion, and efficient in their work. Not to mention they were faithfully loyal to the Olympians, always a bonus in his line of work.

However, their tendency to ensure satisfaction in a customer was the cream of the crop.

Which is why he had a bright smile on his face despite the fact that the Chariot of Damnation had tumbled over at least seven times once it got to the base of Half-Blood Hill. Naruto walked out of the car without a scratch and merely fixed his jacket. He turned and gave the women a thumbs up.

"Thanks for the ride, girls! Let's do it again sometime!" The car revved and sped off without another word. Naruto pouted slightly. "I just wanted to drive a little, is that so wrong?"

With a sigh, he walked up the hill and stopped next to the small dragon that encircled the tree. "Hello creature I've never met before, how are you?" The dragon tilted its head and Naruto nodded sagely. "Yes, yes, rambunctious monsters like these need to be penned and on display for all the gods to watch, I agree."

Without waiting for the dragon to reply, not that it would, Naruto walked down the hill into Camp with his hands back in his pockets. He ignored the odd looks and stares he received as he walked by and went right for the Big House. He saw a satyr whisper something to a boy with green eyes and dark hair, but paid it no mind. Instead, Naruto focused on the front door of the Big House and suddenly decided to run at it. With a grin on his face, Naruto jumped over the steps and kicked his feet out. He knocked down the door with his dropkick and landed on his feet.

He threw his arms out and a mad smile crossed his face. "Hi Dad! I'm _ba-ack!_"

The occupants of the Big House consisted, at the moment, of a centaur with a white coat and a man that wore a tiger striped Hawaiian shirt. The man looked up with a smile, small and hidden by his near-purple beard, but nodded at him.

The centaur paled to the point that his human skin matched his horse coat in color. "By Zeus' beard, no..."

"Chiron!" Naruto vanished and reappeared with his arms wrapped around the centaur's middle. "My _friend_! I missed you!"

Chiron turned to the amused man with a look of pleading on his face. He mouthed the words 'help me', but the man merely smirked.

"Chiron missed you too, Naruto," the man said.

Naruto beamed up at the centaur. "Really!?"

"Like a hangover," Chiron said. Naruto's hug tightened in joy as he let out a small squeal of glee. Chiron was forced to give a small grunt. "Please, Naruto, release me."

"Right, right, the five second rule. Sorry, Chiron, I was just so excited to see my favorite horse-guy again," Naruto stepped away from the centaur sheepishly and looked at his father, Dionysus the god of wine and madness. "Dad!" His arms were held out. "Hug?"

"Not at the moment, Naruto," Dionysus said with a small smile. "The rules and all...You'll just have to hug Chiron again."

"Later!" Chiron said quickly before the boy returned his damnable affection on him. Chiron glared at the god, who merely smirked in return, before he looked at the...troubled child before him. "Naruto...why have you returned?"

"To help with the war, duh!"

"Oh...wonderful..." Chiron forced a smile. "So you'll be staying for a while?"

Naruto nodded. "Yeah-huh! And now my cabin isn't empty, isn't that lovely!?"

"Yes...I am sorry about Castor," Chiron said to the boy.

Naruto's smile dimmed into a frown. "I didn't even get to meet him."

"But Pollux is still there," Dionysus said softly. He gained a smile. "I'll introduce you at dinner. We'll have a feast to celebrate your return!"

"Awesome, a feast at camp! I haven't had one of those since...well, since before I was sent to that island! Or was that someone else? Some kid name Lion-o...Meh, it'll come to me," Naruto said with a dismissive wave. He clapped his hands together. "But one condition, there has to be a never ending bowl of ra-"

"No."

Naruto deflated and pouted at Dionysus. "Aw, c'mon..."

"No." Chiron added sternly.

Naruto crossed his arms and glared at the sky. "Stupid punishment...It's not _my_ fault he and his brothers can't control their libido...or that Grace was a drunk..."

"You still didn't try to save her," Chiron said.

"Wha-I-oh come on! She was drunk! If I saved her, I'd have to go around saving every drunk driver out there!" Naruto said. He pointed his thumb at Dionysus. "If anyone is to blame, it's daddy dearest over there."

"I'm already being punished by working here," Dionysus said dryly. "He couldn't do anything more but add on twenty years to my then eighty-year sentence. Hence, why you've been punished as well."

Naruto pouted. "So not my favorite grandfather…"

"I'm sure he's all torn up about it," Chiron said dryly.

"He should be!" Naruto said with a huff. "I mean, he knows me! It was a stupid idea to pick _me_."

"It was Chiron's suggestion," Dionysus said with a smirk. The centaur glared at him and knew this was payback for every game he'd ever lost.

"...I guess I could let it slide," Naruto said with a hand on the back of his neck.

"Uh, Chiron? Is everything okay?" The voice had Naruto turn with an exaggerated yell and throw the nearest thing he could grab, i.e. a card from the table Dionysus and Chiron were gathered around. The card flew and left a shallow paper cut in the cheek of the poor dark haired boy that had entered the Big House. "Ow!"

"Oh, it's just Peter," Dionysus said with a disinterested grunt.

"Like Peter Parker?!" Naruto asked excitedly. He turned and smiled at the boy. "Welcome to the Big House Spider-man! I recommend you stay away from Cabin Seven, they got issues with spiders...or was it Cabin Five? Hm...Which one has the problems with canoe races, again?"

"Naruto, this is Percy Jackson," Chiron said patiently. "Percy, meet Naruto Uzumaki. Mr. D's son."

"But I thought Pollux was the only demigod Mr. D had..." Percy said. He ignored the mild glare Dionysus gave him and gave the blond a wary once over. Naruto had a camp shirt on underneath his trench coat and jeans, but tactical body gear was strapped to his knees and thighs. Boots with red straps covered his feet, and tucked into either boot was a bronze knife, the blades sticking out slightly.

"Percy Jackson? Sounds like a name a protagonist from a novel series would have. Then again, I've got the name of a manga hero, so who am I to judge?" Naruto hummed and tapped his chin. He walked around Percy and then rested his arm on Percy's shoulder and grinned at his father. "I like him! He's dumb-!"

"Hey!" Percy glared at the blond.

"Pure hearted and strong! Just what every major hero needs in a sidekick!"

"I'm not your sidekick," Percy said dryly.

Naruto lightly smacked Percy's cheek. "Shh, quiet boy bubbler. Grown ups are talking."

"Oh, how I've missed your shenanigans, Naruto," Dionysus said wistfully.

Chiron had a dry look on his face. "I haven't."

"All work and no play makes Chiron a dull centaur," Naruto said with a raspberry afterwards. He hooked his arm around Percy's neck and pointed his other hand's finger in the air. "Now if you'll excuse us – quickly, Boy Bubbler, to the Ramen-mobile!"

"Urk!" Percy choked from the pressure around his neck as Naruto ran out the door with him in tow.

Chiron ran his hand down his face and groaned. "Why do I feel like we've just earned a major advantage against the Crooked One and yet we're all doomed anyway?"

"Melodramatic," Dionysus said with a sip of his diet coke. He smirked at the glare Chiron gave him.

* * *

"Let...go!" Percy shoved Naruto's arm from his neck with a scowl and glared at the blond while he rubbed his neck. "I could barely breathe!"

"Bah, you were fine~!" Naruto waved off the suffocation with a grin. "Now, Princely-"

"_Percy_." Percy kept his glare on the blond.

Naruto shrugged. "Whatever, now who's the one with all the info on great-granddaddy's bases?"

"Annabeth and Cabin Six most likely," Percy said.

"Anna-who?" Naruto blinked.

"She's the head of Cabin Six," Percy said.

"Give me a bit more than that. Details boy!"

"Blond hair, Grey eyes...Er, smart?"

"...Wow, and I thought _I_ was bad at descriptions," Naruto said with a laugh while Percy flushed lightly. He slapped Percy hard on the back. "I'm kidding, Boy Bubbler, I know who Alexandra is!"

"_Annabeth_." Percy sternly corrected as he righted himself. He was trapped once more, thankfully, the grip much looser, and dragged towards Cabin Six.

Naruto climbed the steps and raised his hand to knock on the door. Percy suddenly grunted as his forehead was knocked against it several times and then Naruto's ear pressed to his head.

"Huh, what do you know!? It's _not_ hollow in there!" He grinned and let Percy escape his grip just as the door opened.

"Percy, you alright, you look like...N-N-Naruto!?" Annabeth's tanned skin suddenly paled as Naruto's smile widened.

"Aragon!" he said joyfully with arms extended. "It's been so long! Decades, even!"

Percy looked at Annabeth with furrowed brows while she swallowed and tried to overcome whatever had happened to her. "Y-y-yeah...um, c-come in, Naruto. Malcolm's over by the table, he wants to say hi."

"Marshal!?" Naruto brushed past her and ran into the cabin. "Marshal!"

"N-Naruto!? No, wait don't jump! Don't jump!"

There was a crash and Annabeth grabbed Percy's wrist before she pulled him away from Cabin Six. Once they got a good distance away, and secluded from immediate sight out of the front door of her cabin, Annabeth glared daggers at Percy.

"You took _him_ to my cabin!?" she hissed.

"Not like I had a choice!" Percy returned with a scowl and rubbed his neck. "Who is he anyway? I know he's Mr. D's son, but I thought Pollux and Castor were..."

"The only ones?" Annabeth asked. Percy nodded and she sighed. "Normally, demigods stick together, but Naruto's...Naruto's different."

"No duh."

"Shut it, seaweed brain," Annabeth frowned at him. "He's dangerous. Not intentionally, but he has...mental problems. Nobody knows why, but we're pretty sure it's because his father is the god of madness."

"So he's crazy?"

"Crazy and insane, while similar, aren't the same. By all rights, Naruto's actually really smart. Scary smart. He's just too far gone to put it to any good use in the mortal world..." Annabeth said.

"So, what's he do for demigods?" Percy asked.

Annabeth swallowed. "Some demigods don't turn out like heroes, Percy. Some take advantage of their abilities. A lot of Ares' kids and even a couple of Athena's end up as criminals. Hermes' are expected to, but they stick with break in and house thievery usually. Anyway...they go bad. Like really, really _bad_."

"How bad?"

"Jack the Ripper was a son of Athena."

Percy, for all of his lack of knowledge on certain things, knew that name and what it meant. He shivered. "Okay...And what's that got to do with Naruto?"

"A few demigods who could end up potentially like that are chosen to take out the ones that do," Annabeth said. "Naruto is one of them."

Percy's eyes went wide. "He kills demigods?"

"Only the ones that the gods send him after," Annabeth said. She wrapped her arms around her legs. "He's...not a traditional hero, but he's still a hero. Even if I don't fully agree with it, it's better than the alternative."

"Alternative?"

Annabeth gave Percy a look. "Naruto joins Kronos?"

"...Yeah, that's bad." Percy didn't know what Naruto was capable of, but so far he's shown to be very unpredictable and even Grover warned him to watch out. "Anything else you know about him?"

"Don't make him mad," Annabeth said. Percy arched a brow and she glared at him. "I mean it, Percy. And definitely don't disrespect Mr. D while he's here. He'll cut your tongue off."

"Wh-what?!" Percy's eyes went wide.

"He did it before," Annabeth said quietly. She closed her eyes and shuddered. "It...it was Chiron's last straw. He had to petition the gods to keep the demigods like Naruto out of camp for our sake. But with the war..."

"It's probably better that we're here." The two looked up and yelped in shock when Naruto dangled down next to them. He hung down by his feet on a branch and looked between the two with an uncharacteristic frown on his face. "Gossiping behind my back? Not very nice, Angela."

"Sorry Naruto...Um, what brought you back to camp?" Annabeth asked shakily.

Naruto shrugged and dropped to sit next to them. "Some little turdbucket son of Apollo tried to get me to join great-granddaddy."

"What happened to him?" Percy asked.

Naruto's smile returned as he looked at Percy. "Ripped out his throat with a broken mug."

Percy paled and looked at Annabeth, who wouldn't meet his eyes and looked away from Naruto with discomfort written on her face. He made a mental note not to make him mad like Annabeth said. And to be extra respectful to Mr. D.

Naruto looked between them and arched a brow. "Wait a second...I know what's going on here..."

They looked at him to see a crazed grin on his face. He held up an index finger and curled the other hand's finger and thumb into a circle. The index finger entered the circle. "A son of Athena and a daughter of Poseidon!?"

They flushed red, even if he got the parents wrong, what he insinuated was way out of line. The two teens began to splutter and fumble over their words.

"I wonder what Samus would think if she learned about this?" Naruto asked with a grin.

Percy, still bright red, looked at Annabeth questionably. Her face turned a darker shade of red.

"You can't tell Silena!" She shouted.

Naruto's grin only widened. "What do I get if I don't?"

"...Ramen?"

Naruto became deadly serious and he picked Annabeth off the ground, his hands on her shirt and pinned her against a tree. "You're going to bribe me with the one thing Zeus decreed I can't have? You'd go against the word of the gods?"

Annabeth's eyes went wide and Percy scrambled to his feet, his hand in his pocket. Annabeth shook her head at him and he clenched his fist.

"Y-Yes?" Annabeth swallowed in fear.

Naruto stared at her for another second before he pulled her into a tight hug. "You're my favorite genius, Alison Candy!" He released her and tapped his chin in thought. "Hm, you know, I never figured Athena to allow her daughter to be named after a stripper..."

He walked away, caught up in his own delusion. Percy helped Annabeth get to her feet and felt her tremble.

"Kronos wanted him on his side," Annabeth said softly. She looked at Percy with genuine fear in her eyes. "What if he had said yes?"

"...Bad day?"

"Really bad day."

* * *

The feast was just as extravagant as promised. Naruto grinned at the food set before him and rubbed his hands together eagerly. "Over the teeth, past the gums, look out future bowl movement, I'm going to eat you..."

Pollux eyed the blond seated across from him strangely. "Um...So, how old are you, Naruto?"

"Huh?" Naruto looked up with food in his mouth, a chicken leg in one hand and a spoon filled with corn in the other. He swallowed the food and scratched his head with the leg. "Hmm...Twenty I think, when was October?"

"A few months ago," Pollux said softly. Close to when his twin died.

"Yeah, then definitely twenty," Naruto said with a nod. He took a bite of his chicken. "So...how's life at camp for you been generally?"

"Pretty good," Pollux said. He poked at his food with a fork. "Meeting Mr. D-"

"Dad." Naruto corrected around a bite of food.

"Er, right, dad," Pollux said. "It was nice to meet him. He was always up to help us-er, I mean me."

Naruto finished off his chicken and let the bone drop to his plate. He dusted his hands off and then looked at Pollux. "What was he like? Castor?"

"Castor?" Pollux smiled lightly. "He always wanted to mingle, party...he was a nice guy to the end. Died because he tried to talk two other demigods down..."

Naruto frowned. He set down his utensils and gave a serious look to his brother. "Listen, Pol, I've put down a lot of demigods. I mean, a _lot_ of demigods. You'd be surprised how many actually go bad around age fifteen. There was this one, son of Aphrodite, a real piece of scum. Had that charm talk thingy, used it to rape underage girls with consent."

"That's disgusting!" Pollux said with a scowl. Heads turned and he shrunk down from the attention.

"Yeah, I know," Naruto said. He picked up a biscuit and examined it. "I took care of him slowly, painfully...then dealt with his father, a handsome rich guy that was covering it all up with lawyers and money. Not really the Lady of Doves' best choice in a lay. I digress...this war is going to be ugly, just like that demigod."

Pollux looked disturbed, but Naruto didn't stop. "Castor had the right thing in mind and in his heart, but that's not going to win this war. When it comes down to it, we're going to have to deal with a _lot_ of old friends and demigods. You have to prepare yourself."

"Well said Naruto," Dionysus said from where he sat silently next to Pollux. The boy jumped, having forgotten that his father had taken the seat. Dionysus turned to Pollux with a grim smile. "Unfortunately, Naruto brings up a good point. Castor had the right mindset for a hero, foolish though it were. His name will not be tarnished nor forgotten by anyone in this camp as long as I have a say in it. You, Pollux, have a chance to learn from his mistake, to see an enemy when they present themselves to you."

Pollux had a small frown of understanding on his face and nodded.

"...So, met the Maenads," Naruto said after a beat of silence passed. Dionysus and Pollux turn to Naruto with intrigue while he picks at an ear of corn. "Yeah...Babette is hot, but crazy. She keeps flirting with me, trying to become the Harley to my Joker. I don't mind, but, I'm no one's tool...er, except for the big guy's...even if he is a dirty no good ramen forbidder!"

The sky boomed and Naruto just stuck his tongue out. "Wasn't my fault!"

"Naruto, don't bother," Dionysus said with a chuckle. He examined his can of diet coke intimately with a forlorn sigh. "I've been saying that for decades, the nymph seduced me purposefully. Called out to me..."

"Well, I know _that_," Naruto rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. "I've heard the story like, seventy times already, Dad."

"I'm sure you have," Dionysus said with a small smile. He turned to Pollux. "Have I told you how I met _your_ mother?"

"Mom had said you met her at a bar," Pollux said.

Dionysus huffed. "A bar! We were at Oktoberfest! The biggest night of drinking, one of the few things I adore about Germany."

"I can think of a lot of things I like about Germany," Naruto said with a grin. He looked at his mug and at the coffee in it. "Barmaids, sauerkraut, lagers..."

"I thought you were twenty?" Pollux asked.

Naruto blinked. "Twenty? I said I was forty-two."

Dionysus laughed while Pollux stammered in bafflement.

* * *

"You want _him_ to _what_?!" The war council yelled in collective shock at the god of wine. The only one who hadn't yelled was too busy staring in horror at the folder set before him with wide green eyes.

Dionysus rolled his eyes at their dramatics, while beside him Naruto played with a paper airplane he made from a napkin. A few of those gathered wondered how the blond managed to keep the plane from falling apart due to the flimsy material it was made from. Chiron frowned in slight disapproval, but his posture screamed reluctant acceptance.

"You heard me," Dionysus said. "Peter Johnson will be Naruto's escort to and from the supply warehouse Artemis' Hunters have found in Stone Harbor, New Jersey."

"We're going to the Jersey Shore?! I love that show! I wonder if I can punch Snooki in the face?" Naruto said before he returned to playing with his toy.

"B-But why me?" Percy asked.

Chiron cleared his throat. "Well, we would have Naruto go alone, but some-"

"I convinced Poseidon that _you_ needed to open your eyes a little," Dionysus said. He idly played with the tab on his coke can. "Besides...Naruto makes the Pegasi nervous."

"Well, it'd be all fine and dandy if there was a pony named Rainbow Dash! She's the only one that gets me, I swear..." Naruto crushed his plane and dabbed at his eyes. He then blew into the napkin and tossed it over his shoulder. "Wait, what were we talking about again? I zoned out."

"The mission, Naruto, the mission." Dionysus chided.

Naruto nodded. "Right, right. Find the warehouse, deal with everyone in it and then blow it up." The crazed blond gave two thumbs up. "You can count on me, Dad!" He chuckled and then spoke lowly. "I'll wipe them all _out_."

The other demigods looked a bit green in the face at the casual comment of killing, well, save for Clarisse. She just looked a bit unnerved, for as much as she likes to fight, killing is a different thing entirely. Percy shuddered at the last sentence.

Blackjack was never going to forgive him for this.

* * *

_Boss, I am __**never**__ going to forgive you for this!_

"Just bare with it, Jack," Percy said softly to his steed.

Naruto suddenly snickered. "Hey, if he's _blackjack_, how does he do in _poker_?"

Blackjack whinnied angrily. _That tears it! I'm gonna buck him off!_

"Jack! We're almost there. We let him get off and do his thing, then he gets a ride back after I...destroy the warehouse." Percy finished weakly. He was glad that there wasn't going to be anyone alive when he summoned the tide. Percy shuddered at the thought, not something he wanted to think about.

"You know, this flight is boring, what we need is an in-flight movie. Ooh, I know! I'll recite all of the _Lion King_!" Naruto said. He cleared his throat and threw his arm out. "NAAAAAAAAAA!"

"No! No, Naruto, that's...that's fine," Percy said pleadingly.

Naruto deflated. "Aww...party pooper. Well, I _was_ going to save you a demigod for your first time, but now it's just not going to happen!" He gave Percy a raspberry and huffed.

Percy turned to look at the blond with exasperation. "Seriously, where did you come from?"

"Origin story time! Ye-eah!" Naruto grabbed the screen and pulled it so that a smaller and animated version of himself and a redheaded woman were in a hospital room. "Ever since I can remember, I've been a fighter. But when I was a baby..." The screen flipped like a comic book panels to show stereotypical ninjas burst in the room and baby Naruto whipped out two katana from his diaper. Naruto teared up slightly and covered his eyes with his arms. "Ninjas stole my momma! You know, you were there. Lazy butthole."

"...How am I in your origin story, when we just met?" Percy asked dryly.

"Don't question greatness!"

_How about sanity, can I question that?_ Blackjack asked disdainfully.

"Jack, knock it off," Percy said to the Pegasus. He looked back at Naruto. "So, what happened next?"

The blond shrugged. "Don't remember much, but it was like some secret underground training from my sensei. He then dumped me in a vat that had a large white X on it. And that's how I lost my hamster, Willie."

"...This is going to be a _long_ flight, isn't it?"

_We could dump him..._

"Jack..."

_I'm just saying!_

Naruto laughed and smiled at Percy. "You're a good listener, I like you! Word of advice, ditch the italics when you're talking to the Pegasus. Hurts my dyslexia."

Percy decided to ignore Naruto's comment for his own sanity.

* * *

"Thar she blows!" Naruto exclaimed from where he was perched on a crane with a cardboard paper towel tube held to his eye.

"...That's a warehouse," Percy said from where he and Blackjack stood.

"Who's talking about the warehouse? I'm talking about the nine walking down the street in those heels!" Naruto grinned and held his other hand out, his finger snapped to attention. "Boing."

"How can you think about that when you're going to...to kill people?" Percy asked in disbelief.

Naruto just grinned at him. "I'm a healthy teenage boy at the ripe age of fourteen!"

With a frustrated groan, Percy rubbed his face. "Why? Why am _I_ on this mission with you!? Why not Pollux?"

"Pollux isn't so good with the unaliving of people," Naruto said nonchalantly as he scanned the warehouse with his 'telescope'.

"...Unaliving?" Percy asked in mild surprise.

"Yeah, yeah... See, funny thing: I can't really say the k-word out loud, it's a weird mental tick," Naruto said with a gesture to his head which was followed by a insane laugh. "But we're going to destroy them, make them disappear, sleep them with the fishes...we'll k-word them."

Percy looked a little green as Naruto cackled softly to himself. "...Why was I chosen to help you?"

"Because you're the protagonist that everyone loves. Especially Uncle Rick," Naruto said as though it were obvious.

Percy blinked. "Who?"

"What?" Naruto didn't look up as he swung the bag from his shoulders to sit in front of him.

"Who's Uncle Rick?"

Naruto rolled his eyes. "The one that invented you. I was merely borrowed by some loser who had an idea and they made me the son of Dionysus."

"...I...Wha...My brain hurts..." Percy rubbed his head with another groan.

"Good. Here, hold this." Naruto tossed a red stick to Percy. Percy caught the stick and fumbled with it for a moment before he gasped.

"Is this dynamite?"

"Yep."

"How did you get dynamite?!"

"I think the better question is how did _they_ get AK-47s?" Naruto pointed down at several teens that ran out with said rifles in hand. He nodded to Percy and took the dynamite back. "You might want to fall back." He looked back at the group with a mad grin on his face and his eyes flashed purple. "It's going to get messy."

Percy nodded and mounted Blackjack, who quickly took off into the sky.

Naruto pulled two grenades out of his backpack and pulled out the pins with a grin on his face. He whistled sharply and tossed the explosives at the teens. "Beware the pineapples of doom!"

The four looked up and dove away from the explosives. The grenades bounced once after impact before the flaks exploded and shrapnel flew into them. Naruto pulled his knives out of his boots and dove for the ground.

"Slicey-slice time!" he cried out with a cackle. He landed in a roll and stabbed two of the gunmen in their legs. While they screamed, he pulled his knives out and flipped them around in his hands to jam either blade in the sides of his opponents' heads. Then, he finished it with a jerk of his arms, which promptly snapped their necks.

Naruto pulled his knives out and cackled maniacally. "Two down! Only a warehouse left to go!"

"Oh, fuck, it's Uzumaki!" One of the gunmen shouted.

Naruto pouted. "Aw man, my secret identity got out! Who told!?"

"Kill him!" They aimed and fired their guns at him, which alerted the others nearby. A siren started to go off.

"Oh, this my _jam_!" Naruto ran forward with his head low and dove into a breakdance windmill that knocked the guns out of the teens' hands. He spun out of the windmill and flipped over their heads. "Now you see me!" His knives burst through the back of their heads with a wet rip, and they convulsed for a minute before they died. Naruto sniggered as he pulled the blades out and let the bodies drop. "Now you don't! Ta-da..."

"He's over there!"

"And that's my cue!" Naruto grinned and brought his knives up. "After all, who am I to say no to a little murder?" He settled back into a stance as other gun-toting demigods ran at him. "Strike a pose!"

* * *

Blackjack landed on a distant warehouse and shifted uncomfortably. _I...will never unsee any of that_...

"I...I think I'm gonna be sick..." Percy groaned as he slipped from his steed's back. He dropped to his knees and emptied his stomach contents. He'd never seen someone's arm get ripped off and used as a spear to shove through someone's...another bout of vomiting ensued.

_Thanks for not puking on me, Boss._

Percy groaned. "You're welcome..."

_...Does he __**have**__ to get a ride back?_ Blackjack whinnied.

"Yes, Blackjack..." Percy said sadly. "Otherwise, who knows what he'll do?"

Blackjack shook his head. _I don't want to think about it! He's the son of Dionysus? What the hell is wrong with that guy?_

"Mr. D is actually a lot more tame than Naruto," Percy said with a grimace. He remembered what happened to those mercenaries back in California on the Quest for Artemis. Percy's eyes widened and he forced a third round down into his stomach. Mr. D could've made any of them turn on each other at a moments notice like Naruto did when he had two of the enemy demigods use their rifles to...Percy shook his head in an attempt to banish the image.

_How long do you think it'll take?_ Blackjack asked as his wings fluttered nervously.

"Don't run! Don't run! I just want to be your friend!"

Percy grimaced when he heard Naruto's laugh in the distance. "Hopefully, not too long."

* * *

"Bang! Bang! Bang!" Naruto gunned down another group with a rifle he picked up. He pulled the trigger and frowned. "Uh-oh...no more buwwets..."

"Die!"

Naruto slipped the rifle's barrel into his hands and used the weapon like a bat to crack it against the face of the demigod that ran at him. The demigod fell to the ground with a cry of pain. Naruto cracked his neck and then brought the rifle back up. He slammed it down onto her face and then took it up again. Up and down. Up and down. Up and down. Up and down!

"Splat goes the weasel!" Naruto cackled to himself as he tossed the broken and gore covered gun to the side. He grabbed the bronze sword that lay next to the deceased demigoddess and tested it in his hand. "What a lovely sword, well balanced, a good length and..."

"Got yo-urk!" The blade that once rested in his hand was now pierced through the chest of another demigod that tried to get the drop on him. Naruto's purple eyes glinted in sadistic glee.

"Look at that piercing capability," Naruto said with a grin. He stretched out his arms and yawned. "Man, are they all dead yet? Hello?! Anyone not dead? Gonna come avenge your friends? Yes? ...No...?"

"...M-monster..."

"Hey, look at that, a volunteer!" Naruto giddily ran over to a demigod that tried to crawl away from him. Naruto kicked the demigod onto his back and slammed his foot down on the bloody bullet hole in his left shoulder, the demigod cried out in pain. "Hello, _friend_!"

The demigod glared at him with hate-filled dark eyes. "You're no friend of mi-_ine_!"

Naruto twisted his foot on the demigod's wound and tisked. "That's not very nice...I want to be your friend and I want you to be mine...so tell me. Who else is left?"

"All...dead..." The boy grunted out.

Naruto pouted. "Aw, fun's over. Guess I have to make this warehouse disappear then...along with all evidence of your existence!"

He glared at Naruto. "Y-You're sick!"

Naruto stared blankly at the boy before he laughed. A long, amused laugh that made him slap his knee. When he finally calmed down, Naruto smiled eerily at the boy. "Flattery won't save you."

Before the boy could ask what he meant, Naruto jammed his knife into the boy's throat with a smirk on his face.

"But I won't forget you...Drake Wood, son of Demeter." Naruto pulled his knife out and used Drake's shirt to clean it off. He stood up and sheathed his knives. "Wiped out an enemy warehouse and managed to eliminate one of the most wanted eco-terrorists in the world." A grin split Naruto's face as he dropped his bag on Drake's body and rummaged through it. "Today is a good day to be me!"

Naruto walked out of the warehouse after he dragged or carried the remains of all the dead demigods back into it. Twenty, all well above fifteen and some in their early twenties, fell at his hand today. Naruto didn't care, he was doing a service for the gods and it kept him entertained. A win-win in his books.

"And for my final trick, I'm going to make this warehouse disappear!" Naruto said. He looked at the head of a scarred boy in his hand and moved the jaw.

"'But Naruto, how are you going to do it? Magic?'"

"No, stupid boy! With fireworks!" Naruto grinned and tossed the head onto the pile of corpses. "There you go! Front row seat!"

Naruto dusted his hands off and then closed the warehouse doors. He stepped back and looked around. "Dude...where's my car? ...Oh, right I came here on Twilight Sparkle..."

_Did he just call me Twilight Sparkle!?_ Blackjack neighed in offense as he flew in with Percy on his back.

"Only a bit longer, Jack," Percy said, a haunted look in his eyes. He couldn't block out the screams or the laughter. It echoed in his head and he was grateful that he didn't have to see anymore of Naruto's 'fun'. He looked at the satisfied blond and swallowed. "We done?"

"Almost~!" Naruto grinned and pulled out a marker with a red cap. He popped the cap off and revealed a button underneath. "We're going to need some distance Patrick."

"O-Okay," Percy said with a gulp. Naruto climbed onto the reluctant Blackjack and giggled as they took to the sky. Once they had gotten a good distance away, Naruto held the trigger out.

"Time to go _boom_...Bring the noise!" His thumb slammed on the button and nothing happened. Naruto waited for a minute and then started to fiddle with his control. "Dammit, stupid crappy Korean shit...should've gone Ameri-!"

A loud explosion cut him off and took out half of the docks along with the warehouse. Naruto laughed as Blackjack struggled to not roll from the force of the blast. His arms were thrown up into the air. "Whee! Wow, who'd have thought a lot of C4 could go a long way?"

Percy just shivered as he clung to Blackjack's reigns. "Alright...I just gotta clean up with a wave..."

"Eh, might as well forget that. That was to cover up the destruction of one building collapse, but with all that damage-heads up!"

Percy felt something land with a squish in his lap and, against his better judgment, looked down at it. He screamed and quickly tossed the half-charred head up into the air. Naruto snatched it with a gleeful laugh.

"Awesome! Now I can get paid for the bounty on Wood's head!" Naruto cackled. "The FBI owe me big bucks!"

Percy trembled and lightly tugged on Blackjack's reigns. "Take-take us back to camp, Jack."

_You got it boss..._

Naruto threw his arm over Percy's shoulder and grinned at the boy. "Well kid, I think I can safely say this is the start of a _beautiful_ friendship."

Percy began to hyperventilate.

* * *

**AN: Wow... That was fun. A **_**lot**_** of fun. Like, seriously...dangerously fun. Anyway, that's the one-shot of the son of Dionysus. It could be more, I guess, more like a random following of Naruto's life as a rogue demigod killer...Meh, I'll leave it up to you guys.**

**You all know what to do!**

**REVIEW!**


	2. Perfect Insanity

**AN: Well, aside from the five of you who didn't like the Deadpool/Joker inspired chapter, this story blasted in **_**one day**_** to ONE HUNDRED reviews. 100! Holy S#*t that's a lot of reviews for one chapter...I mean, damn guys...Sorry for the wait, but I had to work on my other stories a little bit.**

**Disclaimer: Been saying it for two years now, **_**Percy Jackson**_** and **_**Naruto**_** aren't mine. All rights belong to current right holders and creators. Not changing anytime soon. Oh, and any quotes from Deadpool, The Joker or any other 'mad' character are not mine either. Keep an eye out for them, they're like Easter eggs!**

**Perfect Insanity**

* * *

"Why are we here again?" Percy asked his companion tiredly. Percy kept his hand in his pocket on the pen that sat there and twitched with every federal officer that walked past them. He just wanted to go back to camp and forget this whole day ever happened, but Naruto convinced him, i.e. threatened to cause harm, that it would be wise to turn the head in as soon as possible.

"Well, the loser writing this was reading the response to the fans and decided to continue our adventures – _oh_, you're talking about why we're at the Manhattan Federal Bureau of Investigations office!" Naruto snapped his fingers in realization. He reached down and patted the knapsack next to his boot. "To turn this bad boy in and get some big bucks from Uncle Sam!"

"...Okay, ignoring your first comment...Why did you make me come?" Percy asked. He wanted to sleep, but Naruto wouldn't shut up. He would either hum a stupid song or ask questions from left field that baffled Percy into damnable consciousness.

Naruto grinned at him. "Because you're my best bud, duh."

Percy paled. "...Lucky me..."

"Psyche! No, my best bud is my informant," Naruto said with a grin. "He's a son of Hermes. His name is Lee Jordan, like that awesome kid from _Harry Potter_. He was part of my group when, well, he got hurt on the job...Total accident. No one could've seen it coming."

* * *

"Lee, hold him steady!" Naruto took aim with a rocket launcher at the dark haired boy who struggled against a beast of a man that was more muscle than he was human. "I won't miss if you can keep him from dodging!"

Lee looked over his shoulder in horror. "Wh-what!? Naruto, no, wait!"

* * *

"Yep...total accident." Naruto nodded. He sighed and played with a can of diet cherry coke. "It was tragic, he lost two legs from an explosion."

Percy shifted a few inches away from Naruto. The sound of footsteps had both teens look up at the man that approached them. He was a handsome guy, with honey blond hair and grey eyes. A son of Athena, a son of Athena that didn't look that pleased to see them.

"Naruto." He scowled and then looked to Percy. His scowl left and an indifferent look crossed his face. "...Naruto's friend."

"I'm not-!"

"Don't care," the older demigod said rudely. He looked at Naruto with a frown. "Why are you here? Jordan handles all of your jobs now. I got out once he came in...He is still alive isn't he?"

"Alive, yes. Fully intact? Not so much." Naruto grinned and hopped up to his feet. "Relax, Jeff! I'm here on business, not pleasure. I'd have beer if I was here for pleasure!"

Jeff, if that was even his real name, sighed. "Thank the gods for small mercies...What can I do to get you _out_ of my office?"

"So cruel...Well, I guess you could just hand over the bounty for one Drake Wood!" Naruto lifted his sack up and opened it for Jeff to look in. Jeff peered into the sack, cringed, and backed away.

"Poor bastard..." Jeff mumbled. He took the sack and slung it over his shoulder. "Stay _right here_. I'll be back in a bit. Gotta clear all this with the red tape and everything."

Naruto gave him a salute and Jeff hurried off. Percy didn't blame him.

"So...that was Annabeth's brother?" Percy asked.

Naruto scratched the inside of his nose with his ring finger. "Yeah, Jeff's an okay guy. He was my handler, best of the best. Knew how hot I liked my lemonade and how much ice I wanted in my espresso. Smart, too...He knew when I was being serious. Unlike Lee...poor, poor Lee. If he could understand sarcasm, he'd still have his legs."

Percy's eyes widened in horror. "I thought you said it was an accident?"

Naruto pulled his finger out of his nose and flicked the discovery off. "It was."

"Uh-huh. I'm-I'm gonna go check on Blackjack," Percy stammered, already prepared to stand up.

Naruto looked at him blankly. "Hm? Oh, yeah, sure. Go back and tell dad the mission's done. I'll be back later...maybe tomorrow...Eh, just have him IM me." Percy bolted for the door and Naruto blinked. "Huh, he must be hungry. I always am after a mission."

Naruto waited for Jeff to return. As he waited, he turned himself upside down to sit incorrectly on the bench. Then he turned to lounge on the bench and took a nap. Or at least, he tried to. The constant phones ringing were absolutely annoying and made it _impossible_ to fall asleep. Finally, after what felt like forever, Jeff returned with a small briefcase. Naruto sat up and rubbed his hands together.

"Yes..." Naruto took the briefcase and popped it open. He looked it over and then frowned. "Hey, I'm missing two hundred grand! Last month he was eight big ones!"

"That sounds like a you problem, Naruto," Jeff said. He turned and walked away with his hands in his pockets. "Next time, bring in the rest of the body so we don't have to send scans away to a different facility. Oh, and Naruto?"

Naruto huffed as he closed the briefcase. "What, Jeff?"

"Stay the fuck away from me."

Naruto made a face at him as he disappeared up the stairs. "Humph, after all the things I did for him...Jerk."

* * *

After he put his money in his personal savings account, Naruto searched around Manhattan for a nice sleazy joint to hang out in. Finally, he found the perfect place called The Rat Den. The only problem was, he couldn't remember his damn age or where he put his damn ID.

"Listen kid, no ID, no entry," the bouncer said with a frown.

Naruto glared at him. "Really, what about that guy that went in before me!?"

"He was obviously of age."

"Bullshit! That white beard and those wrinkles were fake as hell! I've seen better wrinkles on porn stars!"

The bouncer crossed his arms and arched a brow. "Beat it kid, before I beat you."

Naruto's eye twitched. "You're telling me I can't have beer?"

"No ID, no entry." The bouncer cracked his knuckles. "Try me kid."

Naruto clenched his jaw before he relaxed. "Alright...you got me. No ID...but I will get entry. For the record, you shouldn't have _crossed_ me."

Naruto's eyes turned purple and his eyes glared into the bouncer's. The man's stern visage dropped into a blank one and Naruto smirked. He lifted his fingers and snapped them. The blank faced bouncer turned and walked towards the street. Naruto stepped back and leaned against the wall, his purple eyes glued to the bouncer.

"Look both ways," Naruto said softly. The bouncer, like a ragdoll, turned his head to the left and then to the right. "Now listen."

Car honks, engines, tires moving all flooded into the bouncer's ears. Naruto grinned.

"_Cross_."

The bouncer's leg lifted and he took a step into the road. Then another. Then another. And just when he was going to take another, Naruto's eyes returned to the dark blue they once were. The bouncer turned and screamed as a car horn blared and brakes were slammed on. The crashes that followed made Naruto chuckle.

Naruto looked to the door and held his hands out. "Open sez me!"

He walked forward and pushed the door open. The bartender looked up with a smile. "Hey, welcome to The Rat Den. Bruce must've given you a hard time."

"Yeah, he did. I thought I lost my ID, turns out, it was in my back pocket!" Naruto laughed and he pulled his wallet out. From the leather cash container, Naruto withdrew a bill with Benjamin Franklin on it. The green bill was put on the counter while Naruto grinned. "Open a tab and use this for my limit tonight!"

"You got it, Ben," the bartender said with a chuckle. "Something fancy first?"

"The hardest drink for you to make!" Naruto said. He looked around and his eyes landed on a couple of women seated together. He gave them a grin and a wave and then turned back to the bartender. "Got any shot glasses I can borrow?"

The bartender followed his gaze and smirked. He grabbed three shot glasses and set them on the bar. "Off your tab, Ben."

"Whatever, just send my drink over when you can," Naruto said as he grabbed the glasses and went over to the girls' table. "Hel-lo ladies...Wanna see something neat?"

* * *

"Whoo!" Naruto cheered as he lifted his mug of bear in the air and held another hundred up. "Another round for the whole bar!"

The patrons cheered to that while the bartender laughed. Naruto chugged down his beer and then sat back with his arms on the back of his booth's bench, behind two lovely ladies that he had enthralled with various bar tricks. Both had a bottle in their hand and giggled when he smiled at them. "So, really, how old are you girls?"

"We're in college," the blonde one on his left – Mindy? Cindy? Meh, whatever – said.

"That means nothing to me," Naruto said with a chuckle. "Then again, what should I care!? I'm twenty-three and loving life!"

The bar patrons cheered again at his rambunctious yell. The brunette girl on his right – Darcy? Sam? Freddie? He should've written their names down – laughed and poked his chest. She, whatever her name was, was borderline wasted, probably not coherent enough to realize how intimate her hand was getting with his thigh.

"You are just. Too. Funny!" Brunette snorted with her laugh.

"Kind of cute, too," Blonde said.

Naruto grinned. "Yeah, I hear that a lot...I also hear voices..."

Blonde eyed him strangely but Brunette just laughed again. Oh, Naruto knew which one was his favorite already. He grinned and thought up a way to seal the deal.

The bar door burst open and Naruto's grin fell into a scowl. He turned to look and groaned at the sight of a tall blond with short hair and a bullseye tattoo over his right eye.

"Oh, no...not you..." He tapped the girls on their arms. "Get up."

"What?" Blonde asked, a bit haughtily for someone who had gotten three free drinks.

Naruto glared at her with purple eyes. "Get up and get lost!"

The blonde left hurriedly, but the brunette left a crinkled piece of paper on his chest before she climbed over him in the most inappropriate way possible. Naruto looked down at the paper and grinned. Hello future one night stand!

"She was hot." The tattooed blond sat down across from him.

"I know, right? Not a nine, but still, a real nice milkshake." Naruto put the number in his pocket and sat forward. "So what do you want, Leonard?"

The teen scowled. "Lester, dipshit. Get my name right or I'll put another hole through your fucked up brain."

"Whatever Leonidas." A bang rang out and Naruto's head flopped back to rest on the back of his booth with his mouth open, a blood splatter on the wall behind him. A smoking hole was in the dead center of his forehead and a death rattle escaped his lips.

"_Lester_." Lester growled. He glared at the shocked patrons and set his smoking gun on the table. "What? You going to call the cops? Go ahead fucktards..."

It was silent until the soft sound of squelching meat hit everyone's ears. They all looked back to Naruto's corpse, and watched in disturbed fascination as the bullet hole slowly closed shut. Naruto's head rolled and his neck cracked loudly.

"Ow! Shit, dude, you shot me in my fucked up brain!" Naruto whined while he rubbed his forehead. He turned to the bartender. "Hey, you got any Advil? No? Can I have another beer then?"

"They're mortals, dumbass," Lester said with a scoff. "They just saw you pull a Deadpool."

"Oh right..." Naruto whistled and all eyes went to him. He pointed at his purple eyes. "Okay everyone, look right here and it'll explain everything!"

A second later and the patrons returned to normal, like nothing had happened.

"How are you going to explain the blood on the wall?" Lester asked.

"Oh, no. That's on you, _Bullseye_," Naruto said with a scowl. He poked at his forehead with a wince. "Ow. Ow. Tender."

"Going to get my name right now?" Lester asked with a frown.

"Maybe, dunno." Naruto cringed as he reached behind his head and pulled a piece of his skull from his flesh. "Damn leftovers...here, souvenir?"

"Keep it." Lester glared at the offered bone like it was diseased. Naruto shrugged and flicked it away, where it landed in a man's drink. Lester nodded in thanks to the waitress that brought two beers over for them and then opened his up. "Heard you went back to camp."

"Wow, already? It's been what? A day?" Naruto tapped his chin. He snapped his fingers and beamed. "Hey, you should join me when I go back! I'll call the others and tell 'em to go back, too!"

"We're not allowed to, Naruto," Lester said dryly.

Naruto grinned and set his bottle down. "Didn't stop me."

"No, but it did cause most of that warehouse district to go up in smoke." Lester set his beer down and looked at his fellow blond. "Listen, in all honesty, I could give two shits about how this war turns out. They don't care about us. And why should they? You 'n me, we're scum. We're all fucktards who know how to kill and how to do it well. That's the only reason we're still alive."

"Well, maybe you," Naruto said. He played with his beer and balanced it on his hand. "_I_ have yet to be mortally wounded by a celestial weapon."

Lester shook his head. "The fuck is wrong with you?"

"I'll tell you when the results come back," Naruto said with a grin as he took another swig.

Lester watched him with a smirk. "Are you even old enough to drink?"

"I think so?" Naruto frowned in confusion and scratched his chin. "I mean...Damn, am I? I'm what? Forty?"

"Lower."

"Thirty?"

"Lower."

"Twenty?"

"Higher."

"Thirty?"

Lester's smirk widened. "Higher."

"Forty?"

Lester burst into laughter and sat back. "See? That's exactly what I'm talking about, we're fucktards."

"You call _everyone_ a fucktard," Naruto pointed out.

"Yeah, but we're the most fucked up fucktards in the world," Lester laughed. He pointed at Naruto. "You, who are certifiably insane –"

"Thank you!" Naruto tipped his beer bottle in gratitude before he took another sip.

" – and can take a kill shot from any mortal weapon." Lester stuck his thumb in his chest and grinned sadistically. "I can't miss a shot to save my life, and I love to kneecap, but the opportunity to is always so rare. Then there's Lee, who you crippled–"

"On accident!"

" – who can't _not_ hack into the government networks. Hell, last I heard from him he hacked his father's email and got him a subscription to Sausage Girls Monthly."

Naruto laughed. "Oh, I'll bet the messenger _loved_ delivering those packages."

"Alex is just as fucked up in the head as you are..." The ace shot snapped his fingers. "By the way, he's looking for you. Wants to swap a target. Some kid named Nakemura...I dunno."

"No way, that's my target! I've been tracking that slippery 'balance' freak down for years!" Naruto scowled and grabbed his beer. "Stupid Earth-2 bastard..."

"And then there's Toni..." Lester smirked as Naruto spewed out his beer and looked around frightfully. "She's not here."

"Oh thank dad..." Naruto sighed in relief. He looked down at his arm and saw a red dot slowly climb up it. With a yelp, Naruto tried to jump up out of the booth, but only succeeded in banging his knee. "Ow..."

Lester snickered and rolled his laser pointer between his fingers. "Toni, aside from wanting _one_ of your two heads, is still able to copy any fighting style with just a glance."

"I don't know why, but I feel like I should complain about a haxingan for some reason," Naruto said with a tap of his chin. He shrugged it off and then gave a nervous look to Lester. "...She's not still mad, is she? We were both drunk...I think...Well, I know _I_ was drunk."

"Dude, you took her virginity," Lester pointed out.

"With consent!" Naruto insisted.

Lester held his hands up. "Easy. For as psycho as you are, I know you don't rape. All I know is you took her V-card and now she wants to take away your D."

"But I love my D!" Naruto whimpered.

Lester rolled his eyes. "We all love our D, but not all of us can possibly regrow our D."

"I don't want to see if I can!" Naruto slammed his fist on the table. "I won't stand for this, we're grown adults, we should be able to talk this out!"

"Yeah, talking...not going to happen," Lester said. He stood up and started to walk away from the table.

Naruto blinked. "How do you know?"

Lester stopped by the bar, got another beer, and then shrugged as he popped the cap off. "Sorry, fucktard."

Naruto stared at Lester for a second before his eyes went wide as he made the connection. Purple eyes narrowed at Lester, who had an amused smirk on his face. "You dirty sonova-!"

A truck crashed through the wall behind Naruto. The blond was plowed through the table and the next unoccupied booth. He groaned in pain as blood covered his body and patrons screamed. A purple eye squinted open and Naruto saw two lean feminine legs drop out from the truck that hit him. The legs walked over to him, white high heels over cerulean blue skinny jeans, but before he could trail up the legs, his eye closed as consciousness left him.

* * *

"Fuck the police!" Naruto shot up where he lay and then grabbed at his sides. "Ow-w-w! Good thing I got the number of that truck...SP1R3L DN...oh, the irony."

A baton cracked him across the face. "Ow! That was so uncalled for!"

Another hit him the other way. "I deserved that one."

Something hard stomped down on his crotch and his eyes crossed. "...Flawless victory...fatality..."

Naruto slumped back with a grunt. He yowled as the foot that stomped on him twisted and he looked up at the sadistic bit-_babe_. All pain numbed as he stared at the beautiful woman before him. Honey blonde hair that looked like it was poured straight from the beehive, gorgeous grey orbs that pretended to be eyes when in fact they were the beautiful dark clouds that came before a storm, a Californian tan much like his own that covered a lean muscled body, and best of all a supple che-!

"Ow, my perverted thoughts!" Naruto rolled his jaw after the third smack from the baton. A fourth blow came to the top of his head, which made him cringe. "Ow, seriously, I've already been shot in the head, watch where you hit me!"

"Oh, are you awake? I thought you were talking in your sleep again." Naruto looked up into his abuser's grey eyes and scowling – _beautiful_ – face.

"You know, Toni, if you wanted to play rough in bed you could've just ask-Yee-e-e-e!" Naruto's eyes rolled into his head as more pressure was applied to his crotch. "Bad joke! Bad joke! Sorry!"

Toni Masters scowled at him. "You'd better be."

The pressure lightened and Naruto sighed in relief. He grinned up at her. "So how's it going , Tasky?"

Tori narrowed her eyes and applied pressure again.

"_Why_!?" Naruto asked with a voice that was higher than normal. A baton pressed down on his nose.

"Stop. Calling. Me. Tasky." Tori jabbed him at each word. She brought the baton back over her shoulder and then cracked him across the face again. Satisfied, Tori stepped back, which made Naruto gasp sharply, and slipped her batons into two holsters behind her. She moved some of her hair behind her ear and sighed. "That felt _really_ cathartic."

"Always glad to help." Naruto wheezed. He sat up and looked around. "Hey, this is a really nice apartment...where are we?"

"Yonkers," Tori said nonchalantly. She walked over to a desk and opened a laptop.

"Neat, never been. Is this where you get those clown noses to honk?" Naruto asked. He ducked under a CD that was chucked at him. "Hey! Those things are dangerous! And seriously, a CD? What is this, the 90s?"

"Shut up and get over here," Tori said.

Naruto walked over to stand behind her. He stared at the back of her neck. "You cut your hair..."

Tori rolled her eyes. "Thank you for noticing."

"It really shows off your neck...you know what else shows off your neck?" Naruto's mouth clicked shut as a hot barrel pressed under his jaw. "Seriously? I thought we had something."

Tori closed her eyes and aimed the gun down. She pulled the trigger.

"Ow fuck! That was my foot!" Naruto held the wounded foot and hopped around.

"It'll heal." Tori leaned away from the computer and turned to him with her arms crossed. She nodded to the computer screen. "Look at this."

Naruto hobbled back over to her and, after a mild glare at the girl, looked at the screen. "Huh, statistics show the Patriots winning the super bowl in twenty fifteen..."

"Not that," Tori said with a deep breath. She couldn't kill him. Tori pointed at a smaller column. "That."

Naruto's eyes scanned the words and he grinned. "Oh hell the fuck yes."

Tori smirked. "So you're in?"

"I want a third of the cut," Naruto said.

Tori frowned. "Not half?"

"You're going to want to extend a hand to Linus," Naruto said.

"Lester?"

"Whatever that son of Apollo's name is." He shrugged and smiled at her. "By the way, you looked really hot driving that truck."

Tori lifted her leg up between his.

"...You know you love it, baby..." Naruto wheezed out before he collapsed.

Tori rubbed her face with a grimace. "Unfortunately..."

* * *

Now dressed in a skintight red sleeveless shirt and dark cargos, Naruto clipped a belt on around his waist and tapped the red and black circle in the center. A white dot appeared and the belt fitted itself to his waist. He grinned and grabbed the black bullet proof vest that hung on the wall, followed by two short swords that he strapped to his back. To top his attire off, Naruto grabbed two gloves and pulled them on.

"Ryan Reynolds, eat your heart out," he said with a grin as he looked in the small mirror on the wall. His hands rested behind his head and he sucked in air. "Oh yeah, heartthrob alert! Sexiest Man Alive? You know it."

"Don't you ever shut up, Naruto?" Naruto turned and grinned as he watched Tori slide her shield onto her left arm and then grabbed her sword. Her tactical clothes clung to her from the waist up, various grey armor pieces in strategic spots, and a belt with a golden T as the buckle held her sword on the left side of her hips.

"No. Did I mention how distracting those pants are on you?" Naruto asked.

Tori glared at him and flipped a dark hood up over her blonde hair. "You used to be so much more bearable."

Naruto frowned and put his hands over his heart. "Ow. Shot in the heart." He pointed at her with a grin on his face. "And you're to blame! You give love a bad na–" Naruto ducked under a dart. "Hey! Watch it, arrowhead!"

"Shut up then, moron," Lester said as he adjusted his quiver around his tactical gear. He grabbed a sniper rifle from the wall and a clip he just loaded, with the clip being slammed into the gun. "I'm surprised you decided to wear dark colors instead of bright orange this time."

"It was one time, and we were in foliage! I thought it would work! It works for tigers!" Naruto scowled at the smirking blondes.

"Tigers also have black stripes, Naruto," Tori said.

Naruto rolled his eyes and grabbed a black mask with red domino circles on it. "Whatever. Just be sure to be in the right place at the right time."

With that said, Naruto turned and kicked the doors behind him open. The back of a sixteen-wheeler suddenly flying open startled a _lot_ of people on the highway that morning. Go figure. Naruto jumped out and ducked into a roll to the side of the highway.

Once Naruto stopped and got to his feet, he ran for a good ten minutes and then sat down on the edge of the overpass. He pressed the side of his ear. "I'm in position."

It was silent for a moment before Tori's voice came through. _"Roger that. We'll be ready in five."_

"Stay cool, Tasky."

"_I'm _so_ going to gut you for that stupid nickname."_

Naruto grinned. "No you're not. You love me too much, Wise Girl." Naruto lowered his hand from his ear and blinked. "Hm, for some reason I wish I had some blue chocolate chip cookies made by Ms. Jackson."

With a shrug, he reached into a back pouch and pulled out a small portable Hello Kitty radio with the name McLean on it, a box of crayons with a crude Leo V. scribbled across it, and a notebook that cost him _one_ _whole_ _dollar_ from the gas station they stopped at. "I get the feeling I'll be here a while. Hit it Stefani!"

* * *

"N-A-N-A-S!" Naruto's watch started to beep and he looked at it. "Uh-oh. Showtime." Naruto got to his feet and knocked his radio along with his crayons over the edge. "Whoops...oh well, they weren't that important anyway."

Naruto held his arms out in front of him and took a breath before he pulled them to his side and took a calm step forward. Then, he plummeted to the ground. Naruto smashed through the sunroof of a black Chrysler SUV into the back seat.

"Hola, amigos!" Naruto said to the four men in tactical gear in _very_ bad Spanish. "Mi llama el jacuzzi remolinos!" While the four were baffled, Naruto turned to the man on his right and in dramatic English, said "There's no easy way to say this...I'm pregnant Trevor."

He then drove his elbow into the face of the other man on his left. The two men in the back began to struggle with him until Naruto knocked one man out with a mighty blow to the face. Oh, and the head smashing through the window probably helped, too. The other man was elbowed once again and Naruto unbuckled his seatbelt. Naruto waved farewell to his new 'amigo' and then used both feet to kick him out the door. The man was run over and died promptly.

"See, that's why you always keep the child safety locks activated," Naruto chided with a waggled finger to the driver. The man in the passenger seat pulled out a handgun and took aim. Naruto grabbed his wrist and pulled, which caused the man to slam into his seat awkwardly. "No, give it! You shouldn't play with these!"

The passenger pulled back and Naruto used the pull to drive a harder than average punch into his jaw. "Boosh!"

"Escuze, por favor." He grinned at the driver. The driver lifted his right arm and repeatedly stomped his elbow into Naruto's head. "Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow the showers~!"

The man in the backseat who was thought to be unconscious woke up and grabbed Naruto by the back of his neck. He then slammed Naruto's face into the back of the passenger's seat.

"Oh, what rich crinkly leather," Naruto said, though it was muffled. He twisted out of the man's grasp and wrapped his legs around either side of the man's head. "You know, sleeping awkwardly like that can stiffen your neck. Let me help you relax!"

A loud snap filled the SUV and the man went limp. Naruto righted himself and then put his hands over the driver's eyes. "Guess who?!"

The driver swerved and Naruto laughed. "No, not Anthony Hopkins, but you're close!"

He pulled back until he felt the driver's hand reach for his. With his right arm, Naruto reached over and grabbed the emergency break.

Time slowed to a crawl and Naruto looked at the readers with a grin behind his mask. "Check this shit out."

Time sped up and Naruto pulled the break. The car slammed on the breaks, and the driver, not prepared, turned on the wheel. The car was sent into a roll down the highway. Ahead of them, a motorcyclist stepped off his bike and pulled an automatic rifle from his back.

Bullets were sprayed heavily into the car, but time slowed once more as the broken sunroof became visible to the gunman. Naruto slowly popped up with a wave and held up a crude childish picture of himself using a sword to decapitate a rather accurate image of the gunman. While the gunman stared at the image in confusion, Naruto nodded and reached for one of the swords on his back.

Time sped up again as the car rolled over the downed bike and came to a stop. The window rolled down to reveal the head of the motorcyclist in Naruto's hand. Behind him, the standing corpse collapsed to the ground. Naruto looked at the head and smirked.

"So was it _really_ your best idea to get off your bike?" he asked. The helmeted head was shaken 'no'. "Duh. You wanna know why I wear a red shirt?" The head was nodded. "It's so that you guys couldn't see me bleed."

Naruto dropped the head to the side and leaned forward. A bunch of glass shards stuck out of his back through the vest. "Ow. That's going to be a bitch and a half to pull out."

The masked blond stepped out of the car and ran his hand down his back to clear away some of the glass. He shook himself and lifted his hand to his ear. "Hey guys? People are dead on my end, what am I looking for?"

The radio came alive with gunfire and screams. Toni's voice calmly replied back to him. _"It should be in the trunk, now be really careful, Naruto-"_

"Aha! I knew you cared!" Naruto grinned as he walked around to the near destroyed trunk.

"_Shut up. It's in a large case, the code is four-four-Nixon-Gunther-six."_

"Dun-nuh-nuh, nuh, nuh. Another one bites the dust." Naruto lifted his mask up as he popped the case open. He grinned insanely. "Oh yes...Chemical X. Now I, too, can create my own Powerpuff Girls!"

"_What was that?"_

"Er, nothing. I got the stuff. You guys pull out – but wait til you finish, first."

"_Naruto!"_

"What? It's what I do!"

"_WHAT?"_

"Call you later, Tasky, kisses! Mwah!" Naruto pulled his ear away and grinned at the chemical weapon that sat before him. "Lets see you unalive anymore innocent people with this, Mr. White."

* * *

"I'm going to kill him," Toni said with a snarl as she stabbed her sword into another bodyguard.

"No you're not." Lester rolled his eyes and picked off another two with his sniper rifle. "You're going to beat the shit out of him, act like it never happened and then most likely jump his bones."

"Fuck you, Lester!"

"Uh, no. I saw that video." Lester ducked under a thrown knife. "Missed bitch! Ow! Shit! My leg!"

"Didn't miss that time." Toni smashed her shield into another mercenary's face with a war cry. "Athena help me if he does something stupid with that weapon."

"This is Naruto we're talking about," Lester said nonchalantly. He swung the butt of his riffle out and smashed in a mercenary's face. "Of course he's going to do something stupid."

"I know," Toni growled.

* * *

"Yeah, and if you want your deadly weapon back, you'll come over here and take it from my cold dying hands!" Naruto said into the phone he picked off the motorcyclist's body before he tossed it at the wall of the interstate and huffed angrily.

A couple of officers had tried to arrest him a few moments ago, and it pissed him off! He was protecting their sorry mortal asses! They should be thanking him! So, he convinced them that he was never there and it was just another motorcycle accident.

Naruto looked at the case that held the chemical weapon with distain. "Stupid sons of Ares...stupid cops...stupid mortals...Zeus' Butthole I ran out of things to call stupid!"

The deranged demigod –

"Wait, deranged demigod?" Naruto scratched his chin. He smiled. "Yeah...I like that! I've been calling myself the insane membrane this whole time. All right loser, you may continue."

The deranged demigod sat down on the case and put his head in his hands. "Man, I'm so bored...all the guys are dead now...and I can't unalive mortals or Dad will get mad..." Naruto suddenly shivered. "And not to mention what Tasky will do to me."

The sound of a helicopter's propellers in action made Naruto look up. He grinned at the sight of a large beefy man with a scarred face that could be called cruelly handsome that stood on the edge of the helicopter's interior with the sliding door open. He glared at the demigod and pointed a fat finger at him.

"I'm going to kill you _dead_ Uzumaki!" He declared. "If my name isn't Walter White!"

Naruto blinked and laughed. "Alright, someone with _worse_ one-liners and a more obvious stolen name than me! Come on down, tons of fun! Let's boogey!"

The man dropped out and landed in a crater with a scowl on his face. He pointed at a white jagged line that went up to his left eye. "I got this after you tried to blow me up with an RPG! I won't be so careless this time."

"We shall see, grasshopper," Naruto said as he drew both of his swords from his back. They began to circle each other and Naruto smirked. "Ooo-eee, ooo-eee, ooo...Waa, waa, waa...Ooo-eee, ooo-eee, ooo... Waa, waaah, waa!"

"You insufferable nincompoop!" Walter charged at Naruto with his massive fist raised. Four obvious dark rings on each fat finger stood out to Naruto.

"Those don't look healthy for me," he said as he dodged each swing. "I didn't know brass knuckles could be buffed!"

"They're not brass, fool!" Walter sneered. He held his fists up. "A gift from my father for keeping the war alive, Imperial Gold will put you out of your misery!"

"Imperial Gold? What's that?" Naruto asked as he continued to nimbly dodge the punches. A blow got him in the side and Naruto stumbled back with a deep gasp. "Wh-What the fuck?"

"A little lesson for you, Uzumaki." Walter cracked his knuckles. "When the gods moved to Rome, they gave Imperial Gold to their children that lived there instead of Celestial Bronze. Alas, most of the Romans died off decades ago and only the Greeks remain, so now their gold weapons are ours for the taking!"

"Yeah...cool...ow, so that's painful...Hope I don't run into a kid with a golden spear he could ram up my ass, get it? Gay innuendo...you know, because you're a fat fa–" Naruto doubled over again when Walter drove his other fist into his stomach.

"What does it take to shut you up!?" Walter asked with a growl.

Naruto coughed up some blood and then smirked at Walter. "Dunno, death probably...nah, I'll just haunt the world then."

Walter bared his teeth and growled. He punched Naruto across the face. "Shut up!"

Naruto spat out a tooth. He then spat excess blood in Walter's face. "Why'd the chicken cross the road?"

Walter snarled and punched Naruto again. The blond swordsman dropped to his hands and knees

"To get to the cock on other side." Naruto spat out more blood and brought his swords up to drive them into Walter's gut. Walter caught the blades in his hands, but the blond let go of the handles and dropped to his knees with his fist brought back. Walter stumbled back with his eyes crossed and his hands over his crotch.

Naruto grinned. "Get it, cuz you're missing a cock?"

"Shut up!" Walter roared as he backhanded the blond.

Naruto stumbled back and fell to his knee again. He pushed himself to his feet. "I...You ever hear the one about that stupid son of Ares?"

Walter grabbed him by the collar of his bulletproof vest and punched him in the face. "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"

"No...you're supposed to say which one?" Naruto laughed and then grunted as he was punched in the face again.

"I'm going to beat you to death!" Walter's punches stopped and Naruto's head was brought up into Walter's. Naruto's head snapped back, blood gushed from his nose, but Walter wasn't finished. The son of Ares drove his knee into the blond's sternum, which made Naruto cough up more blood. Walter lifted Naruto over his head and threw him at the freeway wall.

Naruto bounced off the concrete and crumpled to the ground with a groan. "Ow...You know, this would really hurt...if it weren't for one thing..."

"Even on the verge of death you refuse to shut up!" Walter sneered as he stalked forward. He grabbed Naruto by the throat with both hands and lifted him in the air. Naruto let out choked laughter and Walter's rage skyrocketed. "What?! Tell me, what's the big joke!? What is so fucking funny right as you're about to die!?"

Naruto let out gurgles of laughter as blood poured from his mouth. "I'm...hehe, I'm...heh...I'm stalling!"

"Stalling?! Stalling for wha-!?" Walter's head exploded as a bullet shot through it from the side. He crumpled to the ground and Naruto dropped with him. Naruto pulled Walter's hands from his neck and groaned as he rubbed the sore area.

"For my sniper to get in place, dipshit," Naruto said. He spat more blood to the side and groaned as he fell to his back. A hand lifted up to his ear and he sighed. "White is down...Can we go home now?"

"_Are you all right?"_

"Do-Do you _really_ care?" Naruto asked with a small hopeful smile.

"_...No."_

Naruto let his eyes fall shut, his smile still in place. "Yeah...Yeah, I'm alright."

* * *

"Did you really have to take all those shots to the face?" Toni asked as she dabbed nectar soaked rag on a cut over Naruto's eye.

Naruto grinned at her, his teeth a bit red. "And miss out on saying 'Hello Nurse' to you when you walk in the door?"

Toni shook her head. "You're an idiot, Naruto."

Naruto snickered. "Yeah. But it's fun."

Lester tucked his phone into his pocket as he walked in. "So, how's the patient?"

"Certifiably insane and got his ass handed to him." Toni sighed as she cleaned the blood around Naruto's mouth.

"Yeah, but I'm still alive!"

"Whoopie." Lester waved a finger in false excitement. He crossed his arms over his chest. "That was Jordan, he can find some transport to a nearby workshop of Hephaestus' and the smith can deactivate the chemical."

"Can he do that?" Toni asked.

"It is weaponized, he's a weapon maker," Naruto said. He groaned. "Send those golden knuckle dusters too...If I don't see anymore Imperial Gold in my life, it'll be too soon..."

"Right. So, what's the pay?" Lester asked.

"Thirty-Three each," Toni said. "A million goes to Jordan for transport services and cover up."

Lester nodded and pulled his phone out. "I'll let him know."

Time slowed down and Naruto turned to the readers. "Yeah, so that was chapter two. I got my ass kicked, unalived a bunch of guys, and got to feel up Toni's ass." He grinned. "Can't wait to see what happens next time!"

Time sped up and Naruto grunted when Toni slapped him across the face. "Are you squeezing my ass!?"

"I told you those pants were distracting!"

* * *

**AN: So yeah, updating from my phone. This was to let you all know I'll update once and a while and introduce a few of Naruto's supporting characters. Why is taskmaster a girl? Because I felt like it wou****ld be funny. Why does Naruto not die from head shots? A Deadpool must and it will be explained later. Why wasn't Percy in this chapter that much? Because this was a development scene! Anymore questions? No? Good!**

**Review!**


	3. If You Want Blood You Got It

**Disclaimer: Been saying it for two years now, **_**Percy Jackson**_** and **_**Naruto**_** aren't mine. All rights belong to current right holders and creators. Not changing anytime soon. Oh, and any quotes from Deadpool, The Joker or any other 'mad' character are not mine either. Keep an eye out for them, they're like Easter eggs!**

**If You Want Blood You Got It**

* * *

A familiar blond male sat in a lazy-boy in a run down apartment, idly flipping through channels on his television. Boxes of Japanese take out were piled up in the far corner and next to it was an equally tall pile of empty bottles of various beers or alcoholic beverages. A bottle that was in the blond's hand was brought up to his mouth and he downed the liquid that remained with ease. The bottle was then tossed to the far side and landed on top of the pile perfectly.

"Man, I'm _so_ bored!" Naruto whined. He rested his chin on his hand and watched an old film that played on the screen. "Ugh, nothing's on, Tasky's busy on a hunt, Lester won't return my calls, and Dad hasn't had a job for me in a week!"

**Relax. We'll get a job soon.**

Naruto looked up at the yellow thought box with an arched brow. "Are we really doing the thought boxes thing? Am I nothing more than a Deadpool knock-off?"

**Partially, but the author must consider you one of the Deadpool's of the multiverse. After all **_**Marvel**_** and **_**Percy Jackson**_** are owned by Disney.**

"That's true," Naruto said with a thoughtful hum. He grinned. "Wait, that means that somewhere there's a Lady Deadpool destined to fall for me!"

**Uh, no. She falls for the real Deadpool, you know, the original with the cancer disfigurement?**

"Oh, right...You know something? He really doesn't look _that_ bad," Naruto said. He rubbed his chin. "Then again, if I had the face of a man who'd been mauled by a puma and couldn't fix it with plastic surgery, I think I would wear a mask nonstop."

_Yeah, but then who could see our sexy mugs?_

"True dat, white box. True dat!" Naruto nodded and grinned as he scratched at the light stubble that covered his jaw. He snapped his fingers and hopped to stand on the arms of his chair. "I've got it! I'll go visit Peter!"

**Percy.**

"Whatever!" Naruto put his fists on his hips and puffed out his chest with a grin on his face. "It's settled, I'll go visit Pablo and we'll have an awesome adventure! One so legendary, they'll speak of it for decades to come. Eons even!"

_Ooo, Eon? Will we meet Captain Marvel, too?_

**I'm pretty sure that's a DC character.**

"Eh, who cares? We're already ruining the continuity of one universe, let's fuck 'em all up!" Naruto frowned at the boxes above his head. "But first, let's get one thing straight. If I'm going to have voices in my head, they're not going to be nameless! You, yellow box, will be known as...Kurama!"

**Hm, strong like a mountain and devious...I like it!** The newly named Kurama said happily.

"And as for my white box friend, you sound like me, only higher in pitch...like an opposite! I'll call you Yami Naruto, or Yami for short!" Naruto grinned.

_Yay! I am the King of Games! It's time to duel! Mind Crush! Oh, the fun to be had! _Yami giggled.

**Indeed. Let's get going! I'm starting to fall asleep.** Kurama yawned.

"Off then, to a new adventure!" Naruto declared dramatically before he jumped out the window...and shattered the glass in the process. "Ow, dammit."

* * *

In a small apartment in New York, Percy Jackson groaned and forced himself to stay awake as he attempted to survive the latest torture that the Fates had decided to bestow upon him: Math homework. His hand that held his head up slipped into his hair as he stared at his _least_ favorite type of questions, the dreaded word problem. Seriously, Percy loved his dad and he knew his dad loved him, but good gods, Percy _hated_ having dyslexia.

"I wish Annabeth were here...ugh." Percy let his arms cross and he dropped his head onto them. "Math is evil..."

"Percy!" His mother, Sally Jackson, called.

Percy turned his head toward the door. "Yeah, Mom?"

"Someone's here to see you? A funny boy named...Nathan?" She sounded as though she were double-checking.

"Yo, Patrick, it's Naruto! C'mon man let's go do something!"

Percy's head lifted up and all the weariness that his homework had caused him left so that worry and a bit of fear could take its place. His heart pounded in his chest and his mouth went dry.

"Naruto." The name brought forward nearly repressed memories of their only mission together, the one Blackjack has still not forgiven him for. Percy paled. That guy was alone with _his mom_!?

The son of Poseidon shot from his desk and threw his bedroom door open. He ran into the living room and nearly slipped as he stopped. He stared absolutely dumbfounded at what he found.

His mother and Naruto laughing together.

"An-and then he said, because it wanted a nice cock!" Percy gaped as his mother, who chided him on his language and his attitude, who seemed like the purest and nicest woman who had no idea what the word vulgar would mean, laughed harder.

"Oh my," Sally said with another giggle. "I haven't laughed that hard since I met Paul."

"Hm, so there's someone funnier than me?! I must eliminate the threat...then again if you're dating him that means he's off the market and unapproachable...which means I get more of the ladies!" Naruto beamed while Sally let out another laugh. He hopped to his feet and took Sally's hand in his own. "It's been a pleasure, but with the boy bubbler present, we can be on our way."

He kissed her hand and Sally tittered in amusement while Percy slapped a hand on his face. Naruto then jumped over the couch and wrapped his arm around Percy's neck. He pointed out at the window. "With me, Perseus! To battle for the glory of Asgard!"

**Olympus.**

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Details!"

"Wha-no, I-I've got homework to do-o-o!" Percy cried as Naruto pulled him out of the room.

"Be careful, Percy!" Sally called after her son before she shut the door. "What a nice young man. Percy's certainly made an interesting friend."

* * *

"I. Hate. You." Percy growled. He shifted around in his cocoon of duck tape and glared at the blond that drove them around in a convertible. "How did you even do this so fast!?"

"The power of a short time skip! It's faster than a montage, which I would've used, but my iPod didn't have the right song." Naruto sighed.

**You just **_**had**_** to have all those Taylor Swift CDs.**

_Don't diss Taylor! She's the queen of our dreams~!_

"What Yami said! Swift's the queen of the charts...and of my heart...Aside from Tasky of course," Naruto said. He looked at Percy. "And I wouldn't have had to duck tape you if you didn't keep trying to run away!"

"You're holding me hostage!" Percy tried to shift so he could get his hand into his pocket and grab Riptide.

Naruto snorted. "You say hostage, I say guys night out."

Percy scowled and tried to think of a way to get out of this predicament."...I have to pee."

"Then pee. It's not like this is my car," Naruto said with a smirk.

Percy looked at Naruto with a frown and then looked at the road. "...Fine. I don't have to pee. Why did you kidnap me?"

Naruto looked offended. "Hey, I took you with your parent's permission, that's _not_ kidnapping!"

Percy ignored the comment. "And who's Tasky?"

"Well to answer your first question, I took you out away from your dreadful math homework-"

"How did you know it was math!?"

Naruto ignored the son of the sea. "- to have a fun night on the town! As for the second, you're not the only one with a Wise Girl in their lives."

"...You're dating a daughter of Athena?" Percy asked with wide eyes.

"Date is a...strong word. She prefers to call it a 'beneficial relationship'," Naruto said. His relationship was weird like that, but he wouldn't have it any other way.

_With lots and lots of sex!_ Yami chimed in with a giggle.

Kurama sighed. **Yes, that's what was implied.**

_Ohh...But why not just say it?_ Yami asked.

Kurama huffed. **Because, Percy Jackson is a Disney character – well, not directly but you know what I mean. He is...pure of mind.**

"I call bullshit on that, no one is _that_ pure! ...Except for maybe Artemis." Naruto amended. "Not too sure about that Oreo guy's real relationship with her, though."

**True...What about Hestia? **Kurama asked.

Naruto nodded. "Okay, she's pure."

"Who?" Percy asked, though he was ignored.

**And Athena?**

_Um, hello? That's Tasky's Mom!_ Yami dryly pointed out.

**Hm, point taken...I wonder how Brain Babes are actually made?** Kurama hummed.

Yami could've rolled his eyes if he had them. _Imaginary sex, duh. Even _I_ knew that!_

**And they call her a virgin goddess...consider me disgusted! Always silently undressing those poor college students while she teaches them...**Kurama shuddered.

"Now that is one TILF I'd like to meet." Naruto grinned as turned the corner into Central Park.

"Who the heck are you talking to?" Percy asked finally.

"The voices in my head." Naruto shrugged nonchalantly.

Percy suddenly grew even _more_ concerned for his own safety.

_Hello Princely!_ Yami called.

**He can't hear you, Yami.** Kurama pointed out.

_Is he deaf?_ Yami asked innocently.

"No, but you are stuck in my head," Naruto said as he pulled into a parking spot. Once the engine was stopped, he got out of the car and went around to Percy's side. He grabbed the duck taped demigod and hoisted him out without an issue. "C'mon Porunga!"

Percy glared at the blond teen. "Do I look like a dragon to you?"

Naruto held him up and pursed his lips in thought. His eyes flashed purple and a smile spread across his face. Instead of a green-eyed duck taped boy, he saw a red-eyed, green-scaled dragon that looked like it had been working out with Ares for the past fifty years its arms and chest were so big.

"Yes!" Naruto nodded.

"Oh...Dad, help." Percy looked up towards the Empire State Building and hoped his father could hear him.

"Lighten up, Peter-boy, we're here for a reason!" Naruto dumped Percy on the ground and reached behind him to pull out a giant knife. "Now, hold still otherwise this could _really_ hurt."

**Oh he'll be fine. He has a broken healing factor.** Kurama rolled his eyes.

_Not as broken as ours!_ Yami declared challengingly._ Can he heal from a gunshot to the head like we can? No!_

**Well, no shit. We got our broken healing factor from Lyssa and the Maniae. And they were just too crazy to make us truly immortal. What's his excuse?** Kurama demanded.

"He's the son of the immortal merman!" Naruto chimed as he stabbed the cocoon with a mad smile. Percy looked ready to faint, the knife had been stabbed right below his groin. Naruto ignored the white-skinned hero and slid the knife down, to free Percy's legs. He then grabbed either leg and pulled them free. "There now you can walk!"

The pale boy glared at him. "You're insane. You know that, right?"

"Well, I'm flattered you want to flirt, Percy, but I don't swing that way...I think..."

_Boobies!_ Yami cheered.

"And insta-boner. Yep, you're safe. I'm straight as a two-by-four!" Naruto gave Percy a thumbs up. He then grabbed one side of the duck tape and ripped it off, which freed Percy from his cocoon. "There, now you're free. And now that that's out of the way, let's go. We got a camp to fuck up."

"What?" Percy blinked as he pulled his right arm from the rest of the trap. He rubbed his skin. "Ow...I think I pulled some hairs..."

Naruto shrugged. "Meh, it'll help you swim faster, or so I hear."

Percy just stared at the blond, completely disbelieving that he just said that to a son of Poseidon. For his own sanity's sake, Percy shook it off. He'd think about it later...when he was dead. " So, you said something about a camp?"

"Huh? Oh yeah, I got a call on my way over to your house. Tasky and Leopold found a Kronos campsite here in Central Park." Naruto grinned and went to the trunk of the car. He popped it open and a man cocooned in duck tape flailed fearfully. Naruto backhanded him. "Shut up! I'm busy. Now move your legs so I can get my stuff..."

Percy gasped. "There's someone in the trunk!?"

"Duh, I told you the car wasn't mine." Naruto rolled his eyes as he pulled out a duffle bag.

_What an idiot!_ Yami snickered.

"But we hit like ten pot holes!" Percy continued. "Is he a mortal!?"

"I know, right? And he's still alive! That's one hell of a padded trunk." Naruto praised as he slung his swords over his shoulder. He pulled out a red and black domino mask and a grey and black domino mask. He weighed each carefully in his hands. "I could go classic DP and get big fan-service points...or I could go black ops DP and get dark edgy points...Hm..."

**You are wearing a red shirt.** Kurama pointed out.

_But Tasky likes grey!_ Yami added.

"Not to mention the grey is also very slimming..." Naruto hummed.

"What are you doing!? Get that guy out of the trunk!" Percy demanded.

Naruto snorted. "Yeah, so he can go call the cops? I think not."

"He'll suffocate!"

"I left his nose uncovered. He'll be fine!"

"If you're not going to let him out, I will," Percy said.

Naruto looked up and scowled at the boy. "Wanna run that by me again?"

Yami growled. _Oh, he done tried to get in our way!_

**That'll be one ass kicking, please.** Kurama chuckled.

"You can't keep a mortal in the trunk, he'll die!" Percy scowled.

Naruto's eyes turned purple. "You'd risk the camp for the safety of _one_ guy? A no-named loser I carjacked?"

Percy pulled Riptide out of his pocket and his thumb edged around the cap. "It's not right!"

Naruto scoffed as he stood up and crossed his arms, both masks still in either hand. "Right. Wrong. Two words with _very_ open meanings. What's right to him is wrong to you, and what's wrong to you is right to me! It's all about _perspective_."

"My perspective tells me that leaving this guy taped up in a trunk is _wrong_!" Percy glared at the blond and his thumb slowly started to push Riptide's cap off.

Naruto pursed his lips and glared back at the boy. Then he moved. In a swift moment, the grey mask was over Percy's head. The boy was stunned and Naruto stepped back with a thumbs up and a smile on his face. "There, problem solved! You have a Deadpool mask on, morality is no longer an issue!"

"You can't just do that!" Percy yanked the mask off his head and uncapped Riptide. The bronze blade folded out and he pointed it at the blond. "Let. Him. Go."

"Hm, hm...Well, I seem to be at a disadvantage here..." Naruto stroked his chin thoughtfully. Then he shrugged. "All right, blubber boy, you win. I'll let him go. Don't say I never did anything nice for you."

Naruto reached into the trunk and pulled the man out. The duck tape was cut off and Naruto dusted the man's shoulders. "Again, really sorry about the whole car-jacking thing. I've learned my lesson and I'm going to turn myself in. You're free to go."

"Y-You're crazy! A mad man!" The man pushed Naruto away and began to run. "Help! Somebody! Help!"

"...I guess this means I get to keep the car..." Naruto smiled.

Percy capped Riptide and crossed his arms. "See? Was that so-?"

A gunshot rang out and the man dropped dead. Percy gaped while Naruto burst into laughter.

"The look on your face!" He pointed at the son of Poseidon with a few tears in his eyes. "You thought he'd actually get away, after he saw us?"

"What-how-but?" Percy was at a loss for words. A scoff from the side had him turn and another blond with a bullseye tattooed over his eye walked out from the shadows.

"That was a complete waste of a bullet. And it's probably gotten the attention of the camp." The man stuffed a handgun into a blue bag and dropped it in the trashcan. "We've got at least twenty minutes before the cops show to clean up that mess."

"Hey, but at least your target's been framed, huh? That'll help you find him," Naruto said with a grin.

Percy had Riptide out and was ready to fight. "Who are you, huh?"

"Ease off, fucktard. I've got no qualms about putting one right between those pretty green eyes," the older guy said with a sneer. He pointed a thumb at himself. "Name's Lester. I'm with the psychopath."

"Always so nice to me!" Naruto grinned as he slung an arm over Lester's shoulder. "Leonidas, meet Prancer. Prancer, this is Leonardo."

Lester's eye twitched. "I'm going to kill you. One day. I won't tell you when. I won't tell you how-"

"You'll shoot me with a celestial bronze bullet that you carved my name into," Naruto said with a smile. He pinched Lester's cheek. "Such a romantic!"

Lester smacked Naruto's hand away and glared at him. "Don't touch me."

"Aw, I thought we bonded."

"Like an infection." Lester growled. He pulled on a black mask with a white bullseye over his right eye, where his tattoo was. "Now get ready. Toni got some planner from the camp to come help her take some info. We're on distraction duty."

Naruto clapped his hands eagerly. "Oh goodie! I get to unalive people!"

Percy stared at the two. "Wait, we're here to...to..."

"Kill people. Geez, boy scout much?" Lester asked with a snort.

"Oh come on, he's a hero! You know how they are," Naruto shrugged.

_Anti-heroism is way more fun!_ Yami decreed.

**Amen to that.** Kurama said in agreement.

"So he's our little Captain America, huh?" Lester smirked.

Naruto snorted as he pulled his mask on. "That would imply that he's a veteran hero. No, he's more like my version of Bob, Agent of Hydra."

"Ah, the cowardly klutz?" Lester chuckled and looked Percy over with a hidden smirk. "I see it."

Percy scowled. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means, _kid_, that you haven't got the _guts_ to do our type of work," Lester said condescendingly. He crossed his arms and huffed. "I'll bet you haven't actually killed anyone face to face before have you? Never saw the life leave their eyes. The blood on your hands that you find yourself dreaming about...drowning in..."

"Whoa...that was deep," Naruto said with a mild blink.

"Yeah? I'm thinking of writing a poem for Brenda...Wait, why am I telling you this?! I never tell you any of this!"

"You were in the moment." Naruto shrugged. He grabbed the mask Percy had tossed to the ground and threw it back at the boy. "Put it on."

"Why should I?" Percy asked.

"Well for one, it protects your identity from mortal eyes." Lester listed.

"And for another thing, it keeps the blood off your face and hair." Naruto nodded. "Blood's a bitch to wash out of your hair."

Lester shuddered. "That time in Moscow."

"Oh, come on, that was fun! We never get to travel anymore. All the grown demigods are 'normal' people. So boring!"

"I like normal," Percy said as he pulled the mask on. "Ugh, this mask smells like Doritos."

"Suck it up, weirdo." Naruto snorted. He drew his swords and grinned under his mask. "Time for a little murder..."

"Can you please not call it that?" Percy asked.

"Alright _fine_..." Naruto slouched with a mild glare. "Spoilsport. Let's go unalive some people!"

* * *

_We need a battle cry. The Greeks have no battle cry!_ Yami huffed as Naruto charged forward towards the camp.

**You could always yell...wait, no, forget that, don't you dare yell that!** Kurama yelled.

"LEEROY JENKINS!" Naruto cried as he sliced the heads off of two sentries.

**Ugh. Idiot.** Kurama groaned.

_No, that was genius!_ Yami argued.

Sirens went off around the camp and many rogue demigods rushed out with celestial weapons at the ready. Naruto danced around their weapons and cut them down while Lester picked them off from a distance. Percy, who just arrived stumbled back and covered his mouth as he saw an arm land in front of him.

"Oh, man, I think I'm going to puke..." Percy said, his hand reached up for his mask.

"_Don't bitch out,_" Lester said into the com-link that was in his ear. "_Just ignore the smell. And whatever you do, don't follow Naruto."_

"Uh, not much choice. They're all going after him," Percy said.

"T_hen whoever's left, just put out of their misery. Like this one._" A shot put a nearby girl down for good. "_R.I.P. bitch._"

Percy winced and began to slowly make his way through the bodies. When he heard a groan, Percy looked down and found a boy around his age with his throat sliced and his right arm missing from the shoulder down. The boy gurgled and weakly reached out for him.

"Man...what happened to just fighting monsters? I could deal with fighting monsters..." Percy groaned and lifted Riptide up. He hesitated for a second before he looked away and brought the sword down.

"_Don't look away. You could miss and then I'd have to waste a bullet on your kill._" Lester sneered as another shot rang off.

"Do you feel bad about killing them?" Percy asked angrily.

"_No. They chose their life and unfortunately it put them against me. This is my job. I'm good at what I do. On your left, I got it._"

A slowly rising demigod was put down as a bullet pierced his heart and he flopped to his back. Percy winced. He didn't ask for this.

"_Heh, try to play dead and you soon become it. ...Hm, I can do better than that. Give me a second..._"

"Is this a game to you?" Percy asked. He didn't get a reply. As he rounded the bend, he stopped behind a tent and watched Naruto put down kids his age and older, all the while he sang. It was the most disturbing thing Percy ever saw.

* * *

She had to get away. She had to run. The young demigoddess ducked behind a table in the head camp tent. Why did she leave camp? It wasn't so bad! She just wasn't claimed, was it really that bad?

"Round and round the Mulberry Bush..."

"Make him go away, please make him go away!" The girl whimpered. She grabbed her dark hair and closed her eyes, begging the gods for forgiveness. She heard the stories, but thought they were just stories. Scary stories to make kids like her scared.

"The monkey chased the _wea-sel_..."

Her eyes clung shut and she whimpered. Please don't let him find her. Please, gods, generous and kind, don't let him find her!

"Hm...The monkey stopped and scratched his head..."

The sound of footsteps became distant and she waited with bated breath before she chanced a peek out from her hiding spot. She let out a breath she didn't know she was holding and ran from the tent for the woods. She chanced a look behind her. Nothing. She turned ahead and pumped her arms and legs faster. She was going to go back to camp, beg for forgiveness, anything to get away from this...this monster!

She ran around a corner and ran through the trees. She didn't care that she didn't know who her parent was anymore. She didn't care that her dad didn't want her. She just wanted to get away. Luke was crazy, she could see that now.

Who in their right mind would want to be on the wrong side of Naruto Uzumaki, let alone the gods!?

"He said there was no chance of being found," she said to herself with tears in her eyes. The others were dead because of the 'strategic' campsite. Because of Luke!

She stopped by a tree and ducked behind it to catch her breath. She looked behind her, as more gunshots rang out and more screams followed. She sighed in relief. She was safe. He didn't follow her. She turned to run and two sharp things were shoved through her stomach. Blue orbs stared into crazed red.

"Pop goes the weasel!"

* * *

Naruto watched the girl collapse after he cast a dream of paranoia on her with his madness abilities. He turned and stabbed an older boy through the stomach with a glare. "This girl's hardly a teenager...are you taking children from camp now?"

"Th-the Olympians didn't want her..." the boy gasped.

Naruto scowled under his mask and sliced his throat. "Maybe she just wasn't ready to be claimed!" He kicked the demigod down and watched him choke on his own blood with an angry glare. "And they call me crazy...I don't turn young kids against their parents."

Naruto sheathed his swords and picked the girl up. He'd have to have his father get rid of that nightmare later...and make sure she's claimed. This kid needed a stable family. He walked back to the center of camp and met up with Percy.

Percy's eyes landed on the girl in his arms. "I-Is she?"

"I'm not a child murderer! A teen unaliver, sure, but not a child murderer," Naruto hissed. He adjusted his grip on the girl and scowled. "Once you hit fifteen, you're fair game. And most of these kids are that age. She's barely eleven at most."

Percy looked at her carefully. "Wait, I know her...her name's Lacy. She was in Hermes' cabin last year."

"Seems a few runaways took her along." Lester walked up and lifted his mask. He winced at the cringes on her face. "Yeesh, what'd you do to her?"

"Gave her a few nightmares." Naruto frowned. He put a hand on her forehead. A moment later and peace covered her face. "And now they're gone."

"Aren't you sweet?" Lester smirked.

Naruto pulled his mask off and grinned. "Just a lovable teddy bear!" He handed the girl over to Percy. "Here, hold this."

"What, why?"

"Because we're not al-ugh!" Naruto flew to the side with an arrow in his head.

Lester turned to where the arrow was shot and put a hole between the archer's head. "He's down."

"He's dead!" Percy began to freak out. "He's dead! Holy-I mean, wow! He just! Gone!"

"Yeah, horrible, isn't it? Listen, I'll go put sleeping cutie in the car and you wait for Toni and her partner to show up," Lester said as he took Lacy from the shell shocked Percy.

Percy watched the older blond walk away. "Wait, but, he's...How...You're just going to walk away?!"

"Yeah! You have fun showing that to Toni!" Lester called back over his shoulder.

Percy gaped and stuttered for a moment. He looked back at Naruto's body and gulped. Sure, he wasn't Naruto's number one fan, but that didn't mean he wanted the blond to die! And Percy really didn't have an idea of what to do. He wished Annabeth were here. She'd know what to do.

"Percy?"

Yeah, she'd sound just as surprised as that...Wait. Percy looked up and fumbled for words as Annabeth ran towards him. The daughter of Athena came to a stop near him and grabbed his shoulders.

"What are you doing here? Are you okay? You've got blood on your shirt..." Annabeth frowned as she looked him over.

"A-Annabeth? Wh-what? How?" Percy was so ready to check out for the next week. He just wanted to lay down in bed and sleep.

"Mr. D sent me on a mission with the last counselor of my cabin," Annabeth said with a displeased grunt. "We've never really gotten along..."

"Uh-huh..." Percy nodded dumbly.

"What are you doing here? Wait, Percy...were you...were you part of the distraction?" Annabeth asked lowly.

Percy just nodded again.

Annabeth sympathized with him and gave him a light hug that he returned. "You okay?"

"I just...I couldn't save him...he just...dropped and..."

Annabeth pulled back with a frown. "Who?"

Percy looked down at the body. Annabeth followed his gaze and then gasped. "Oh gods! Is that?"

"Yeah."

"He's...?"

"Yeah."

"...I...We need to get his body out of here," Annabeth said finally. "He should be burned at camp...for Pollux..."

"R-Right, but I have to explain it to-"

"Later, we need to get the body moved." Annabeth swallowed heavily and went over to his legs. She looked back at Percy. "Well? Come on Seaweed Brain."

"Er, right." Percy walked over and picked up Naruto under the shoulders. His head lulled back and what sounded like a grunt escaped his lips. "Did you hear that?"

"It's just a death rattle...a sound the body makes as air escapes it," Annabeth said softly as she carried his legs. "Geez, he's heavy."

"Yeah, but at least he's not fat."

"...Percy, muscle is heavier than fat."

"...Oh."

They carried the body awkwardly until they reached the edge of the camp. They set him down to get a break. As they did, Lester walked back up with a smirk on his face.

"Hey, kid, good news! Apparently someone up there heard little Lacy's prayer and sent a couple of expert Satyrs out to retrieve her," he said. He then nodded at Annabeth. "Who's the mini-Toni?"

"Annabeth Chase, counselor of cabin six," Annabeth said with a mild frown.

Lester nodded. "Nice to meet you. Lester. Why'd you carry Naruto all the way over here?"

"We need to return his body to camp," Percy said.

Lester blinked. "Wait, he still hasn't gotten up yet?"

"He's dead." The two younger demigods deadpanned.

Lester hummed and pointed at the figure just a few feet away. "What do you call that then?"

Annabeth and Percy turned to see Naruto amble away with a funky limp due to the arrow in his head. "DHuuruhhah!"

"Oh my gods!" Annabeth cried.

"What the hell!?" Percy was so shocked he couldn't help but swear to demonstrate it.

Lester, however, just laughed. "Wow, look at him go! I'm so proud of him." He cupped his hands around his mouth and cried out. "Fly, you beautiful bird! FLY!"

"DHUURHHHURURH!" Naruto ambled around and started to walk back towards them.

Lester burst into more laughter. "Oh, gods help me, I can't take it! He looks so stupid!"

"Who looks so stupid?" The three demigods turned as Toni walked up, decked out in her 'mission' gear with her grey hood down. She looked past them and saw Naruto amble towards them. She glared at Lester. "You didn't take the arrow out of his head!?"

"I just got back from taking care of some god's underage kid, sue me for leaving him with two green demigods." the two in question let out an affronted 'hey' "Besides, you have to admit, that is the funniest fucking thing you've ever seen."

"No. This is the funniest fucking thing I've ever seen." A knife suddenly buried itself in Lester's knee. The sharpshooter collapsed to the ground and grabbed at the joint.

"Fuck! You crazy bitch, that was my knee!"

"I know. Same spot the other knife went into. Funny, right?" Toni smirked and walked over to Naruto. She snapped off the arrowhead and grabbed Naruto's head. "This is going to hurt, but you'll thank me later."

Annabeth and Percy turned green as Toni pulled the arrow out of his head slowly. She had to twist and pull simultaneously, and the whole process took about five minutes. Finally, it was done and Naruto had collapsed forward into Toni. A minute or so later and the deranged demigod groaned.

"Ugh...my head hurts..." Naruto's eyes squeezed shut. He hummed and nuzzled into Toni's chest with a grin. "Hey Tasky! Have fun while I was out?" A smack knocked Naruto to the ground and he whined as he rubbed the side of his head. "Ow, I just finished healing that!"

"I saw your hand reaching up," Toni said dryly.

Naruto pouted. "Damn, my ninja skillz failed me."

Toni scoffed. "What skills?"

Naruto pouted at her. "You're so cruel."

**Yeah, but that's what we love about her. Side note, we're not done healing yet.** Kurama informed.

"I'm not done healing yet?" Naruto furrowed his brows in confusion. "And where's Yami?"

Yami, or what sounded like Yami, decided to speak up. _Ygurashmigjsdfoehfjeusndu..._

"What the hell was that!?" Naruto asked, alarmed. He ignored the concerned looks given to him.

**Yami.**

_Delicate flower. Bends under bumblebee's weight. POISON DART TO NECK!_

Naruto blinked and then gained a look of horror. "Was that a Haiku!?"

**Yes, and a rather interesting ninja one, too.** Kurama hummed. **I don't think it was that good though.**

Naruto turned to Toni and grabbed her hands. "Toni, love of my life. Stars in my night sky. Thief of my heart. I need you to do something for me."

Toni, a light dusting of pink across her cheeks, blinked. "What?"

"Kill me." Naruto bluntly stated. "I've got a voice repeating Haikus in my head."

_Icy dust of snow. Flows as water into path. BLINDING KICK TO NOSE!_ Yami recited.

**Meh, still not that good.** Kurama criticized.

"Hurry!" Naruto pleaded with a whimper.

Toni pulled her hands away. "If it'll keep you in check, I think I might just let you live."

Naruto gaped at her. "You cruel woman! It's Haikus! _Haikus_!"

"I'll kill him." Lester offered with a grin from where he tended to his reopened knee wound.

"Do it!"

"You're not killing him," Toni said with a glare.

Lester scowled and went back to his knee. "Bitch..."

"Cruel, beautiful bitch..." Naruto cried.

Toni smirked and pinched his cheek. "You know you love it."

**Point to her.** Kurama chuckled.

"Okay, seriously, can I go home now?" Percy asked, though it sounded more like a plea. His request had all eyes turn to him and he fidgeted slightly. A light flush crossed his face when Toni walked over to him. She was gorgeous, like an older version of Annabeth. That thought made his blush darken. The cold steel eyes that examined him like he was an ant were a bit much for him, though.

Toni arched a brow. "This is the famous Percy Jackson?"

"He's famous?" Lester asked in disbelief.

"He does have his own book series owned by Disney Hyperion publishing," Naruto said, though his comment was ignored.

Toni scrutinized him for another minute before she snorted. "Idiot."

"Hey!" Annabeth spoke up before Percy could. "What gives you the right to call him that?"

Toni began to list things off with her fingers. "He has no set fighting style, which for him isn't that great considering he's the supposed child of prophecy. Little training with his sword while the rest is instinctual, admittedly not horrible, but more strategy in swordplay never hurt anyone. His fatal flaw could end the world – Don't ask, I read the briefings."

"Briefings?" Naruto asked.

Toni rolled her eyes. "Athena has set files for every demigod just in case one turns out like another Ripper."

"Ah, to cover for her mistakes, right?" Lester asked. Toni and Annabeth glared at him and he smirked. "Truth hurts."

"So does a knife in the ball sack." Toni retorted. Lester's smirk left his face. Toni looked back at Annabeth. "Anyway, his school records are absolute shit. Even compared to normal demigods. His luck is so bad it's like Tyche never bothered to look his name up."

Toni crossed her arms under her chest. "In short, Percy Jackson is a complete idiot."

Annabeth scowled at her and pointed at Naruto. "And what's he, the next Einstein?"

Naruto was to slamming his head repeatedly into a tree. "Stop! The! Poe-try! Make! It! End!"

"He's crazy, he doesn't count," Toni said with a shrug. She arched a brow at Annabeth's scowl. "You're really tense, have you thought about...?"

Annabeth glared at her with red cheeks. "Shut it, Toni!"

"You have...but you've never made a move?" Toni tilted her head when Annabeth's scowl became more profound. "Oh, you _have_. So he _is_ an idiot."

"Shut _up_, Toni!" Annabeth growled.

Percy looked between the two. "Did I miss something?"

Toni just smirked. "And that proves my point."

* * *

**AN: That was fun! Though the Lacy thing was a bit dark...Meh, whatevs. Deadpool isn't always fun and games (though we wish he were).**

**Now for something completely different: OMAKE!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own **_**Naruto**_**, **_**Percy Jackson and the Olympians**_**, or Disney's **_**Frozen**_**. The "Let It Go (Rock Cover)" belongs to NateWantsToBattle (YouTube, really good, suggested to listen to during this omake). Don't hurt me! **

**Let It Go (Rock Cover)**

* * *

A tall white mountaintop got closer and closer until a speck could be made out. A man with short blond hair and miniature suns in his blue eyes sat peacefully while he played a white piano. He was dressed in a white tee shirt that had a golden Omega on the front underneath a white vest that had a red spiral on the back. Dark jeans covered his legs and black sandals covered his feet. His fingers danced on the keys, unaffected by the snow around him.

He opened his mouth and a melody came out. "The snow glows white on the mountain tonight, not a footprint to be seen. A kingdom of isolation and" he smirked sardonically "it looks like, I'm the king."

Another blond, this one more like a football player in build, sat a bit away from him rested his hands on either side of his head, which was set between his knees. His head began to nod to an unseen drum. He was dressed in a purple shirt with gold lettering across it, jeans and white tennis shoes. His mouth opened and he continued where the pianist left off. "The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside~"

"Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I've tried..." A younger blond said, perched higher on the mountain. An orange and black jumpsuit with a dark hood covered him, and strange combat sandals protected his feet.

A teen dressed in dark clothes with a bandana around his mouth looked up at the stars from where he sat on the peak, a faded picture in his hand. "Don't let them in, don't let them see. Be the tough guy, you've always had to be. Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know! But now they _kno-o-ow_!"

The final blond, who wore a red shirt with a yellow lightning bolt on it, shot to his feet and grinned at the sky. His arms flung out. "Let it go-o-o! Let it go-o-o!" He shook his head and burst into a run around the mountain that kicked up snow. "Can't hold it back anymore!"

"Let it go! Let it go-o-o-oh! Turn away and slam the do-o-or!" The pianist sang as the music lifted and a rock beat filled the area.

The orange clad blond grinned and hopped to his feet, a bright smile on his face. "I don't care what they're going to sa-a-ay!"

"Let the storm rage on!" The teen wearing the purple shirt said as he got to his feet and golden gauntlets covered his arms.

The bandana looked ahead at the vast nothingness with hard eyes. "The cold never bothered me anyway."

The orange boy started to rise up into the air. "It's funny how some distance, makes everything seem small."

The purple teen clenched his fist and a new peak started to form from beneath the snow. "But the fears that once controlled me, can't get to me at al-l-l-l!"

The runner came to a stop and looked at the distant mountain before he settled in a pre-run stance. "It's time to see what I can do, to test the limits and break through!"

"No wrong no right, no rules for me-e-e!" The pianist sang as the runner shot off in a blur.

"I'm free-e-e!" The group sang, save for the one with the bandana. "Let it go-o! Let it go-o-o!"

The orange flier smiled at an old man's face in the clouds above him. "I'm one with the wind and sky-y-y!"

"Let it go-o!" Four of the five blonds sang proudly. Let it go-o-o!"

The last, the one with the bandana climbed to his feet and looked at the picture in his hand. His eyes screwed shut and he crushed the image in his fist. "You'll never see me cry-y-y."

The purple clad teen glared defiantly at the star filled sky from his personal peak. "And here I stand!"

"And here I'll stay-y-y!" The pianist sang with all of his heart.

The runner smirked as he ran back to the starting peak as fast as he could. "Let the storm rage o-o-on!"

They went quiet as the music picked up. The pianist had a blindingly bright smile on his face while his fingers danced across the keyboard. The flier was in the midst of figure eights, the geokinetic had begun to expand his peak into a larger platform, and the runner ran to every nearby mountain.

"My power flurries through the air into the ground!" the gauntlet-bearing geokinetic said as he slammed his fist into his platform and began to make a small shrine to a trident.

"My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around!" The pianist and the flier both sang in perfect harmony while the runner's speed kicked up more snowflakes that reflected the hints of an early morning light.

"One thought crystalizes like an icy blast~" The teen with a bandana around his mouth ripped cloth from his face and let it fly off to the wind. "I'm never going back! The past is in the pa-a-ast!"

"_Let it go-o!"_ The quintet of blond teens sang. _"Let it go-o-o!"_

The pianist shook his head and crowed to the sky: "I'll rise like a break of da-a-awn!"

"_Let it go-o! Let it go-o-o!"_

The temple builder stepped out, an invisible weight off of shoulders as he raised his arms out and proclaimed. "That perfect boy is go-o-one!"

"And here I stand!" The runner declared from his perch on the very top of the tallest peak, not a bead of sweat on his face despite his constant movement.

The flier spun in the air with a grin on his face before he burst into golden flames. "In the light of da-a-ay!"

The five clenched their hands into fists and looked defiantly at the sky, a smirk on each of their faces. _"Let the storm rage O-O-O-ON!"_

The blond biker smirked, his scarred face took in the warmth of the sunlight as the music drew to a close. "The cold never bothered me anyway..."

* * *

A hand came down on an alarm clock and a groan escaped the owner. Blond hair lifted from a pillow and the owner yawned tiredly. He then turned to the television, which had a laughing mouse with red shorts on the screen, and glared at it with closed eyes. A few seconds passed before Naruto's purple eyes snapped open and he got up with a hand on his head.

"That is the last time I fall asleep to a Disney marathon..."

* * *

**AN: That omake contains multiple Narutos from various stories of mine published and not yet seen. Consider this a little sneak peak into my future projects!**

**Now, you all know what you wanna do!**

**REVIEW!**


	4. The Kings

**Disclaimer: Been saying it for two years now, ****_Percy Jackson_**** and ****_Naruto_**** aren't mine. All rights belong to current right holders and creators. Not changing anytime soon. Oh, and any quotes from Deadpool, The Joker or any other 'mad' character are not mine either. Keep an eye out for them, they're like Easter eggs!**

**Sound of Madness**

**D-Generation X - The Kings**

* * *

The five demigods walked back to the car Toni had used to get to Central Park.

While Percy complained in what he thought was hushed tones about his night to Annabeth, Naruto moped for two reasons. The first, he had been denied the rights to the car he appropriated earlier. Toni said it was too much of a liability, what with the cops that were undoubtedly hovering around it by that point. So he was forced to leave the keys with a dead demigod at the Kronos camp.

The other reason Naruto was moping was due to Yami _still_ reciting Haikus.

_My world became dark. The stranger passed the candle. I'm always grateful._

"Make it stop..." Naruto whined as he clutched at his head. He pounded the palms of his hands against his head. "Shut him up!"

**Hey, it could be worse.** Kurama consoled.

"How could it be worse than this?" Naruto asked heatedly.

**The poetry could've saved your life.**

Naruto's eyes went wide in terror. "I'd have killed myself if that happened..."

"Who's he talking to?" Annabeth asked the older daughter of Athena.

"Most likely a voice in his head," Toni said nonchalantly. Both Percy and Annabeth shivered at the casual tone she had. She frowned. "I thought those went away?"

"They must've come back after I shot him point blank in the forehead," Lester said. Toni rounded on him with steel eyes and a scowl on her face. Lester pursed his lips and hummed. "Hm, probably shouldn't have mentioned that."

"You shot him in the head?!" Toni snarled as she began to punch his arm. "Don't you remember how long it took to get rid of the voice he called 'Bubbles'? How much money it cost us on missions?"

Lester flinched away and rubbed his arm. "He kept getting my name wrong! It was annoying!" He looked at the darkened spot on his arm. "Damn, girl, first my knee and now my arm?"

Toni glared at him. "You're paying for the therapy...and all the therapist's therapy."

"Oh, that's bullshit!"

While Toni and Lester argued about dealing with the voices that were bothering Naruto, Percy rubbed his head and groaned softly to Annabeth. "I just want to go home and pretend this night didn't happen."

Toni rounded on him, her eyes narrowed and her hands on her hips. "It happened. You killed people. Get over it!"

"Don't act so superior! You were holed up in the cabin for a week after you went on that first 'quest' with the...Naruto," Annabeth said as she glared at her cabin mate.

"What were you going to say? The Rejected Runaways? The Damned Demigods?" Toni asked with a glare. Annabeth held her tongue and Toni scowled at her. "I joined the Exiles –"

"Time out!" Time slowed and Naruto looked sadly at his readers. "For you Marvel fans out there, no, we don't have a sassy-slash-cute Blink to work with-slash-ogle at. Heartbreaking, isn't it? Believe me, I know. Time in!"

Time sped up and Naruto looked back at Toni as she continued. "– because I saw that demigods weren't perfect, just like the gods that sired us."

The sky boomed and she rolled her eyes. "See? A perfect being wouldn't get miffed if they were dissed."

Naruto frowned. "Or punish someone by taking away their ramen...the bastard." He was struck by a bolt of lightning and coughed up smoke. Naruto shook the blackened skin off and glared at the sky. "You act like you enjoy being compared or related to the old jackass! Make up your damn mind!"

The sky had no response for that and Naruto smirked. Victory was his and it tasted sweet. Like candy. He frowned when he heard Yami clear its throat.

_Victory comes fast. The sky has no retort. Insanity rocks._

"...Okay, I kind of liked that one." Naruto mumbled, his grin spreading widely.

Kurama chuckled. **It ****_was_**** pretty clever.**

"Yeah, but if you didn't like it why not stay at camp? Couldn't you have changed things from there?" Annabeth retorted, both children of wisdom ignoring the insane demigod.

Toni rolled her eyes. "You mean _not_ kill other demigods? And how exactly did you plan to beat Luke's likeminded allies? _Talk_ them out of it?"

"Hey! I'm the only one with access to the Talk no Jutsu, dammit! It's my origin character's trope!" Naruto cut in with a scowl.

Ignoring the indignant idiot ("Oh, that's hurtful..." Naruto gave a wounded pout.), Annabeth grimaced. "No...but there's a jail system for a reason."

"Hiding behind the flawed justice systems. Typical." Toni snorted. She crossed her arms over her chest. "Tell me, Annabeth. What is a crime? A direct offense to you? Or is it to the public? Or perhaps a slight to the gods?"

The sky boomed again.

Percy looked at Lester, who rubbed his head as he grunted.

"That's getting annoying. Think he can stop with the sound effects?" The son of Apollo asked.

Percy looked past Lester to Naruto, who held a sheet of metal and a simple workman's hammer. The mad demigod placed a finger over his lips and held the sheet up behind Lester's head. Percy clamped his hands over his ears and Naruto wailed the hammer against the metal. Lester went rigid and then crumpled to the ground, twitching occasionally.

"There, now the ringing can cover up the thunder!" Naruto beamed at his solution while his 'friend' (and the term is used loosely) suffered at his feet. He tossed the sheet and hammer away before he grinned at the sky. "See!? I'm a good person! ...GIVE ME MY NOODLES BACK DAMMIT!"

"Naruto, knock it off." Toni sighed and frowned at the new counselor. "Once Lester's back on his feet, tell him to drive you guys back to camp."

"Why can't you?" Annabeth asked with a frown.

"I have another priority at the moment." Toni replied coolly.

Naruto popped up beside her with his hand above his head. "Oo! Oo! Is it me? Tell me it's me!"

The four demigods gave him a dry look.

Naruto grinned. "That's not a no~!"

_You want to hit snooze, you think there's nothing better, there's no fucking way._ Yami wisely advised.

**I agree with him.**

Naruto's grin fell and he held his head as a look of horror dawned on his face. "Oh, gods, the Haikus...It's like part of my brain was cursed by a drunk Apollo!"

Lester – who'd healed rather quickly after the cartoon-esque damage dealt to him – snorted and crossed his arms. "Maybe it was. Maybe he was miffed that you kept getting my name wrong."

"Shush, Lana." Naruto held his finger out at Lester. "The voices speak to me."

_Victory is ours, when insanity takes hold, shining finger burns._

**...Okay, yeah, even I didn't understand that one. And I'm ****_half_**** of your mind.** Kurama noted, stumped.

"I highly doubt that even the loser writing this knew what the hell he was talking about. That or he was listening to some J-Pop again," Naruto said with a nod of agreement. He looked around and frowned when he noticed that no one remained behind with him in the woods. "Aw, dammit. The haiku was a distraction!"

**That would explain the poor haiku. Now, there must be a reason for it.** Kurama hummed. **Perhaps the author is going to show off how badass we are! Be ready for an ambush!**

"Psh, we _know _we're badass," Naruto said with a scoff. He rubbed his chin and snapped his fingers. "Maybe we'll get to meet a goddess that wants to make us her sex toy!"

**Doubt it. Knowing our luck, it would be Athena who shows up. No sexy time there.**

"True...Yami, any input?" Naruto asked the white box that appeared overhead.

_Allies yet to be, visit with warning from afar, Cable has arrived!_ Yami declared.

Naruto puzzled over this haiku for a moment before he grinned insanely. "Wait, Cable? Not Time Warner, but the Capital C bad boy?! Yes! My buddy from the future is here!"

He turned around when a bright light started to flicker into existence behind him. Naruto's eyes shone happily as a man stepped out. The man was built like a tank, and part of his body looked like one, too. The right side of his body was like it had been made of coiled bronze, while the left had a tanned complexion. Curly dark hair sprouted from his head, and while one eye was solid bronze, the other was like a dark almond.

"Sammy!" Naruto greeted the newcomer with a perfectly executed flying glomp. The tall half-bronze man grunted and stumbled back before he looked down to see the blond hanging from his torso, his arms and legs wrapped around his body, the mad demigod grinning up at him. "Didja bring me a present?! Ooh, ooh, is it Deadpool starring Ryan Reynolds?"

Naruto turned to the audience as the time slowed once more. "Which, by the way, is available on Blu-ray for a wonderfully cheap price of $19.99 at Amazon dot com! Gotta love those daughters of Ares."

Time sped up when Naruto looked back up at his friend gleefully.

"Naruto. Get off of me." The man, Sammy, pushed his hand against Naruto's head. He shoved the blond psychopath off of him with his bronze arm.

Naruto landed on the ground with a grunt of his own and rubbed his backside. "Ow. Geez, Tin Man, you're _so_ rude!" He blinked and snapped his fingers. "Oh, wait! Intro time! Yea-ah!"

Time once more slowed down and the deranged demigod hopped to his feet. Naruto dusted himself off, which oddly kicked up enough dust to conceal his form. When the dust dissipated, Naruto was dressed in the classical referee attire with a black bowtie. He reached up and pulled down a microphone from off panel.

"L-l-ladies and gentlemen, gods of _all_ pantheons! Behold, the future hero of humanity: Samuel L. J. Val-dez!" Sammy's color came back into view, but he did not unfreeze. "Weighing in at over five hundred pounds, this son of a Titaness and demigod from the boyaka-boyaka six-one-nine stands at a _whopping_ six foot nine! Due to complications at birth as a result of his parents coupling–" Naruto cut himself off and waggled his brows, "which was a very _steamy_ coupling, mind you – Sammy's right side is covered from head to toe in Valdezium, a material created by chemical mixture that had a base of Celestial Bronze. He is capable of mimicking telekinetic and telepathic abilities thanks to his insane attunement towards technology. He even managed to program my VCR's clock! A feat many have not been able to do."

"Furthermore, Sammy here is impervious to _all_ mortal weapons. Trust me, I've tried to kill him before and he's nearly successfully done me in. Twice!" Naruto tugged on the microphone and it shot off screen before his clothes reverted to normal. "That's aside from the real juicy point. Not only is Sammy a cyborg that should not exist due to parentage, but he's also a – wait for it – time traveller! That's right, folks, you heard it here! This guy is the Cable to my Deadpool, not Princely Johnson like you all thought. In your face! Or would you rather _on_ your face? Hehehe, get it? Orgasm jokes!"

**I think they get the point.** Kurama drawled. **You should unfreeze time and get on with the plot before the author gets tired of writing you again.**

Naruto scowled and looked at the white box. "Shut up, you. No one can get tired of Deadpool knock-offs! There's a movie!" Naruto leaned in and gave two thumbs up. "Props to Apollo. R-rating is the way to go for the DP movie! That trailer shown at Comic-Con? That shit was awe-to-the-some! I mean, damn, that kill shot and X!? Oh, so good!"

Time resumed and Naruto quickly leaned away from the time traveller with his hands behind his back. "So, Valdez, what brings you to the 'stupid ages'?"

"I am not here of my own choice, Naruto." Sam returned with a frown. He thrust his flesh finger at the blond. "Your antics are altering history. Again."

"...Wait, what I do this time? I've been accepting jobs, keeping low off the radar!" Naruto argued. He thrust a finger back at Sam dramatically. "Like _you_ told me to!"

Sam crossed his arms and scowled. "Two weeks ago, you plugged an arms dealer in the middle of the New York Interstate."

"Yeah, so?"

"He was going to die on that day...from a heart attack."

Naruto smirked and crossed his arms. "Ha! So that means I did good! I killed him before he was supposed to die! Saved _billions_!" He made a frame with his hands. "I can see it now: _Savior of the World, Naruto Uzumaki!_ Bet'cha I got myself a museum and everything, too! Not to mention all the fine tit-tays I'll be swarmed with... Score for the Naru-Pool, and Tasky can't, or better yet, _probably_ won't argue against it! Boo-yaka!"

The fantasy that started to play out in Naruto's mind made his eyes become unfocused, his hands reach up to grope the air, and a dumb smile to spread across his face. Sam watched this with a mild frown on his face before he sighed. His bronze arm lifted up and came down on top of the deranged demigod's head. Naruto let out a dazed groan from where he was on the ground while Sam glared at him.

"Your 'team' not only cost the state of New York _millions_ of dollars in repairs due to your dual assault on White, but you prevented White's illegal actions from being discovered post his natural demise by _actual_ cops that would be investigating his successor." The time traveller explained slowly. "That means that _all_ of his partners in crime and business can't create plausible deniability since his death at an assassin's hands means that all of his work related issues will be closely looked into. Which means a lot of good done to cover their small dark work is erased from the timeline!"

"Wait, but I stopped his successor from starting up, right? Isn't that good?" Naruto asked.

"You stupid idiot–"

**That's a redundant statement.** Kurama interjected with a hint of amusement.

"–Time is not a pool to swim in! Time travel is only a two-way street without any turn offs. Destiny can be changed, but time cannot! You altered our timeline.! _Again_! After I told you not to!" Sam raged. He pointed over at the Empire State Building. "Now _they_ are going to have to deal with the return of a very ancient enemy that _was_ supposed to remain asleep during all of this!"

"Bring it on!" Naruto grinned. "We can take on the Sandman! He was such a puss in _Spider-Man 3: Birth of Tobey McCrier_!"

"You won't be apart of it, dumbass!" Sam snarled. He grabbed Naruto by the collar and shook him. "Pay attention, dammit! Two days from now, you _die_ facing off against Kronos' Army!"

**Ohh...We done fucked up.** Kurama muttered.

_Yep! We're boned!_

"Oh, hey, you sound better." Naruto noted as he turned to look at the white box of italicized Greek text that appeared to his right. "Feel poetic, Yami?"

"Naruto, stop ignoring me and focus!" Sam barked as he shook the son of Dionysus. He released the shorter teen and glared at him. "Despite how you act, how deplorable of a psycho you are–"

_You know something...I-I think he's confessing to us!_

**Whoa! Hey! I am ****_not_**** prepared to be his sempai! I need time to think about this sort of thing!**

"Look, Sammy, I like you, too, but, I'm straight (mostly) and spoken for. I mean, yes, I know that won't matter in a few days, but you're a good guy. You deserve happiness." Naruto clapped a hand on the half-machine's shoulder. "You need to move on. Just... promise me that you'll name your first adopted child after _me_. I'll even babysit for you, but it'll cost ya!"

Sam's eye twitched. "Naruto, I'm not gay for you."

"Good! That's progress! A little fast to admit, so I think there's _some_ denial, but-!"

"I'm not _gay_!" Sam snarled. "Stop interrupting me and pay attention for one goddamn second!"

"...Alright, but I still think someone's floating on a sinking ship in the river called De Nile~!" Naruto sang. He was cut off as the bronzed hand grabbed him by the throat. "Urk! Whoa, right for the kill, huh? Starting to make this comedy into a tragedy with each passing second."

_Ooh, almost like the Deadpool movie did._

**Is it me, or does it feel like a year's passed since this document has been updated?**

"Yeah...Loser saw the movie...not even bothering to change the jokes at the start...fucker's going to destroy...continuity...!" Naruto choked out while he clawed at the hand restricting his throat.

"Stop babbling nonsense! You need to come with me and..." Cable-er, Sam's voice became akin to white noise as Naruto tuned out of the heroic monologue.

_Seriously, even the video game wouldn't let the hero monologue! Hell, even the movie-Oh, fuck yeah, the moment when Colossus tries to teach Deadpool to be good! Ha! Shame the studio wouldn't cough more cash up for more X-men._

**Bastards believed it wouldn't go anywhere, and Reynolds even made cracks about his past career! ...Can I for one just say it's ****_awesome_**** that the Loser is letting us have this knowledge without having to wait for the real thing?**

"Hell...Yeah..." Naruto reached down and grabbed the handle of the handgun that was at Sam's hip. He waited for Sam to be lost in descriptive monologue, which didn't take long, before he pulled the gun out, put it under his jaw and – _click_.

**_OH COME ON!_** Naruto, Yami and Kurama took that moment to glare at the loser writing his story's late, late, late and so _very_ anticipated chapter. The Author in question shrugged, as if to say, "I'm not apologizing."

**We'd better get to kill something soon.** Kurama growled as Sam continued his monologue, which spoke of space battles with the gods and dark gods like Cthulhu and other Lovecraftian lore. Naruto dropped the handgun and put his face in his hands since he was forced to listen to Sam's monologue.

It was like being forced to listen to William Hung for ten hours straight and then being force to watch Two Girls, One Cup with your eyes taped open.

_Yeah, otherwise-Hey, what's that?_ Yami asked.

**Wha-Oh my Christian Slater! Look! Below us! It's a scene break!**

_Yes! Scene change for the fucking win!_ Yami cheered.

* * *

"Worst. Time Skip. Ever." Naruto grumbled sourly, his arms crossed while he was bunched in between Percy and Annabeth in the back of an SUV. "Stupid fucking loser...going off to write about that stupid anime awesomeness that won't be a thing in this world and leaving me to rot, not even explaining where Sammy went or what he wants us to do...I want my screen time dammit!"

**Should've known it was too good to be true.** Kurama sighed.

_Hey, but look at how well Angel-hair filled out! Least we have some good eye-candy...and finger candy. Ring-pops still in our 'secret pouch'._

"I'm saving that for later. But you're onto something, Yami. She _is_ starting to look like Tasky." Naruto scrutinized Annabeth with narrowed eyes and a hand on his chin. "I don't know what's missing though..."

"Hey, uh, Naruto. Can you, um, back off?" Annabeth asked, uncomfortable with his proximity to her person. Naruto furrowed his brows further, his mask's white eyes narrowed even more as his face was centimeters from hers.

**Hey, d'you know who she looks like?**

"Athena." Naruto muttered, all the while still scrutinizing Annabeth. His concealed eyes drifted down from her face for a brief moment. Nope. Those were close to Toni's at that age. Maybe there was a sensitivity difference or something...

_Don't touch, just look! She's the heroine of Percy's book._

"Right." Naruto conceded to Yami's point and backed away. It was Percy's job to corrupt Annabeth with sex. _Then_ she was free game. After all, a few drinks between friends meant for a happy threesome! ...Or orgy!

_Icha-Icha be praised!_ Yami proclaimed

**Hail!** Kurama agreed.** But seriously, you know who she reminds me of?**

"Considering you've only existed for about, oh, three, maybe four days, give or take a few years of inactivity, no, no I don't." Naruto mumbled while he began examining Annabeth's hat, having swiped it and gotten bored of creeping the younger girl out. He snorted and looked at Annabeth as he tossed the cap back to her. "Don't you have _any_ loyalty, Magnus? Yankee's _suck_. Red Sox for the win."

"Blasphemy!" Both Annabeth and Toni snarled.

"Hey! Drive! Yell at your boy toy later!" Lester snapped, his hands on the dash.

"Shut _up_, Lester!"

"Then focus on the road, Toni!"

"I like yelling, too!" Naruto suddenly announced, popping up between his two fellow seniors. He pointed ahead of them. "Hey, I know that guy!"

Toni slammed on the breaks when she turned her attention forward, just in time for the hood of the car to be impaled by a Bronze axe. The wielder of the axe was a eight-foot-tall giant, with gnarly black hair and a thick bushy beard. He had on a pair of yellow Shutter Shades, a forcibly sleeveless purple shirt that had a beefy man posing on it, and tight lightly hued jeans that strained around his legs.

"...I knew it was too good to be true..." Naruto muttered. He sniffled and rubbed at his eye. "Macho Man Randy Savage. You live on. But...Dammit, you're a bad guy!"

"That's not Randy Savage, Naruto!" Lester snapped. "Get us out of here, Toni!"

"He cut the engine!"

"This calls for an epic fight scene!" Naruto declared. He looked over his shoulder at Percy. "Boy Bubbler, stay here and protect mini-Toni. Lion-o, you're with me!"

"Swear to god, one day I will kill you." Lester grumbled as he hurriedly got out of the car.

"Be happy, dude, Apollo gets your name when Zeus punishes him," Naruto said as he clambered out in a much more casual manner. Seated in the passenger's seat, time slowed again and he turned to the readers. "Oops! Spoilers."

"Naruto, just get out!" Toni shoved Naruto out of the open door when time resumed. Naruto landed face first on the asphalt, groaning as he got to his feet and immediately had to avoid being turned into sliced bread when the giant's axe came down on him.

"Uzumaki!" The giant growled. "You insult me and my father, betrayed our glorious leader and have the audacity to ride around with my beloved."

Time, once again, slowed as Naruto turned to the audience.

"Okay, yeah, backstory time. Since apparently we don't have the budget for _another_ flashback." Here, Naruto pointedly glared off-panel. "Lazy good for nothin-...Anyway. The Cream of the Crop over there is Almops, son of Poseidon, side of the Gigantes...Wait."

Here, Naruto blinked and pulled out his i-Phone. He went to Wikipedia, looked up the monster's name and-

"Fuckin' dumbass, Gigantes weren't in this fight!" Naruto glared off panel again. "Bullshit, man, I gotta fight a legit giant-Oh, wait...Not anti-god...Just a run of the mill giant. Huh. Well, anyway, I ran into this loser a _looong_ time ago. Like, pre-Deadpool Powers. Back when I was still _welcomed_ at camp. I mean I am still welcomed, but apparently they're prejudiced against badassary. Go figure. So, in summary: Dude's a giant son of Poseidon, I killed his dumb ass before, don't exactly remember why...but yeah, killed him and apparently he's got the hots for Lester. ...Or is-is he talking about my bae? Oh, motherfucker best not be talkin' bout my bae! Hold on, I gots-ta take my weave out!"

Naruto huffed as time resumed once more and unsheathed his knives. He grinned eagerly behind his mask.

"Let's take a few inches off the top."

**Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but...** Kurama trailed off.

_Someone's getting cliffied~!_ Yami sang.

"What?" Naruto asked before he put his knives away and pulled out a copy of the story.

Almops, freed from the time distortion, stared in bewilderment while the demigods shared confused glances. To them, Naruto looked like he was flipping through an invisible book, but it was clearly there. They were just far too sane to see it. Those poor, poor sane fuckers.

"Let's see, chapter four, chapter four, chapter-Hey, musical fourth wall dream. Nice!" Naruto chuckled. "Bet they made Thalia Grace read that. Heh, that'd be funny. Hm, wonder if she's a babe. Bucket list objective added – Ah-ha, here we are!"

Naruto smiled and trailed his finger along the lines of the page.

"Title, meh, could be better. Love the group though-Oh! There's Motherfuckin' Cable, lookin like a sexy badass, hope we see more of _him_ later," Naruto said with a chuckle. At this point, Almops took a step back, but kept a wary eye on the son of Dionysus. The other demigods had already moved to cover, with Lester on a fire escape above and debating silently who he should shoot: The baddie or the idiot.

"Comparing Annabeth to Magnus, staring at tits, hmm. Makes me look like a douche, but then again, I'm no saint. Ah, here's the wannabe WWF Champ...Heh, I'm a riot," Naruto said with a smirk before his eyes went wide. "Whoa, I'm rereading my own dialogue. That's like a fourth wall joke within a forth wall joke...That's like, Sixteen walls broken."

_Skip to chapter five and jump back a page._ Yami advised.

"Spoilers! ...I love it." Naruto grinned and did as the voice in his head said. He looked at the bottom line and gasped. "No...No! NO! Don't you dare! You lazy-stupid-sonova-!"

* * *

**AN: Yeah, I make the law here, Naru-Pool. And, well, cliffhanger galore. Gotta rewatch some Deadpool stuff, replay the game for the 8****TH**** TIME, and well, plan out perhaps a legit Deadpool centric crossover.**

**"Ooh, Bonesboy15, you spoil me."**

**Shut up fictional version of a fictional hero.**

**Anyway, y'all know what to do-!**

**REVIEW!**


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